The Honeymoon is Over

I know it happens for every adoptive family - that moment when you realize that your child isn't so sure she wanted you for a parent. You can prepare for it, but until it hits you over the head, there's really no way to steal your heart for those words: "I don't like you! I don't want to be here! I want to go HOME!"

It feels like that Honeymoon period of being excited by all these new things - language, food, people, routines, clothes, weather, dogs, and rules - has worn off. Joy is the most angry when she discovers (as she does daily) there are RULES here as well! I don't know what they told her in the orphanage, but she clearly thought there wouldn't be any strictures on her wants here! lol!

We are blessed that Joy is incredibly verbal. She has learned not just the language, but the nuances and the phrases that English is full of very well. She understands there are words that sound alike but mean different things. She knows there are words that are reserved for adults, words that she shouldn't use, and words that mean different things to different people. I'm constantly amazed at what she's learned!

With that proficiency has come an excellerated rebellion against us, I think.

We are having a push-pull relationship right now. She needs me. She wants me to be close (next her at all times sometimes). But at the same time, she resents that she needs me. And she can say it out loud! I know not to take it personally. And I know to be patient and loving, and I am. But it breaks my heart that she's in this place at all!

She has SO much she's dealing with! Here are just some of the things we've talked about:

- No, you did not hurt your mother when you were born. You may have been "cut" out of her tummy, but it didn't hurt her. They have medicine to take that pain away. And no, that's not why she couldn't take care of you forever.

- Your birth mother is too sick to take care of you and she loved you SO much that she wanted you to have a mother and daddy who could take care of you and love you ALL of the time, forever.

- Nothing you can do will make us stop loving you. Nothing you say or do will stop us loving you. (She says - "but I don't want you to love me!") And we will love you even when you don't love yourself and don't want anyone else to love you!

- She says, "You don't have to love me, you know!" We want to love you! We get to love you! There's nothing in the world we want more than to love you!

- Last night she said, as she's pushing me away for the upteenth time, "But I don't need you!" And then cries if I try to leave...So I said to her - Do you know what you need? You need kisses (many kisses applied)! You need hugs (big tight hug)! You need me to love you (I love you whispered in her ear). And you need to love me (she says I love you back). And I need those things too! (She does the same back to me - while I'm trying not to cry!)

So, this little girl, who didn't ask to be adopted, who didn't get to pick her Forever Family, is dealing with her loss of friends and the familiar at the same time she is embracing this new life, these new people and this new language. No wonder she's acting out! ;)