Our Life Now

This is a hard post to write and one that I have been putting off for a while.  But I think it's time now.

A fellow blogger, whom I only know through her posts, has several adopted children from Asia.  Her family of 9 would overwhelm me in a heartbeat and I admire her faith and her tenacity in raising her children with the love God and to flower as He intended.  She wrote on her blog recently about how hard it is.  I felt for her, and I felt the same way - it is SO hard at times.  It is SO rewarding at others.  Sometimes it's hard to know which is which.  And thus, I realized that I need to write this to our friends and family who are reading this.

As every other adoptive family I know, we want to present our kids in public in the best possible light.  It has been difficult to write about the daily struggle with behavior problems, learning disabilities, emotional difficulties and growing pains. I literally stopped writing about Joy's life with us because I did not want to share too much about her struggles to those who know her.  I did not want to influence their opinion of her.

But I have come to realize that explanations are better than just being silent about what is going on.

First of all, Joy is a blessing.  She is a wonderful sweet girl who is smart, loving and helpful.  The problem is that she cannot access that part of her much.  Her anxiety overwhelms her system and she becomes loud, crazy, uses inappropriate words and behavior, and can be pretty mean with her words.  Her fears are many - being stolen, something happening to me or Tim, being left behind, not being safe somehow - but they all stem from not feeling loved earlier in her life.

When I contrast her history with James', it seems obvious.  He was loved and cared for by one family for 6 years.  She was not.  Her foster family clearly loved her and doted on her.  But somehow in the transition from them to the orphanage, she felt abandoned in a way that wasn't explained to her.  Then another American family pulled out of adopting her during the court process.  She had already Skyped with them and was all ready to be with them Forever.

Only, that Forever never happened.

I can only imagine what her little heart must have thought when they presented her with us, her New Forever Family.  Yeah, right!  Forever, shmore-ever.  We'll see about that....

So there are days when it feels like she is testing us to see just how bad she can be before we send her back to Chung Yi.  How bad can she be before we pull out and say, oops, nope, we're not The Forever Family either?

Knowing that in my mind, and even in my heart, does only minimally make it easier to handle those days though.

There are times, like the other night, when her fear of not being loved, so over-takes her reasoning ability that she says one thing ("I don't want to take my Sleepy Time tonight!") and then immediately screams the opposite thing - back and forth - because her emotions have completely overwhelmed her.  She was screaming while getting in bed, while trying to hit me, trying to spit at Tim until I was able to pick her up and take her somewhere else.  We sat on the stairs with her flailing and wailing while I said, "Hold tight onto me" and we prayed.  That was what finally calmed her down.  Reason doesn't work.  Saying loving things doesn't get through.  Prayer was the only thing that worked.

Perhaps that is why she is in our family.  Maybe that is what God had in mind.

That night was the culmination of a 2 day anxiety attack, for lack of a better term.  Today, we are doing much better.  It's like she builds up to this cliff and has to throw herself over before she can come back to normal.

That's what's on one hand.  On the other hand, there is a little boy who desperately wants my complete attention.  He walks around the house saying, "Watching!".  It isn't a request - it is a command.  He is silly all the time, or would be if I let him.  He is learning constantly and his English is really amazing and would be even more so if he were the only child here.  He wants to cuddle and only gets half of my lap, as Joy has to take over the other half.  He gets angry so easily and I want to spend time helping him learn how to see the signals that he's getting mad and learn to diffuse it, but Joy is too jealous of my attention right now.  I worry that I'm not doing for him what he needs.

One thing my blogger friend said that really resonated is the worrying - there are so many medical and emotional components to these children that we will never know what caused.  We are just trying to put the pieces of their hearts back together, trying to figure out how to teach them what they need to know right now at this moment, or trying to figure out what is causing the emotional upset that is threatening to take over our home.  All while trying to have a "normal" life.

Add to that a set of older children to worry about and it does make for some sleepless nights!  (And yes, you older children, we do worry about you even if you don't need us to!)

I've been working with vitamin supplements and probiotics the last 2 weeks and I have seen some amazing improvements!  This is based on Dianne Craft's work with children with learning disabilities.  If you have ANY sort of behavior issue or ANY blocked learning gateway, please look up her work!  I can't say enough about how thoughtful her observations are and how much just reading her work has helped me. 

We are supplementing their diet with probiotics, grapeseed, magnesium, B complex and zinc.  The "magic" one is 5-htp though!  Amazing how it will even Joy out so that she can calm down and really just be herself - happy, helpful, loving, observant, calming.  I'm just in awe!

So there is much more to this saga and tomorrow will not be like today.  That keeps me at it sometimes. That and knowing that I'm not the one who has to handle it.  It has already been handled for me.
More later -
Margaret

Rules, Rules and More Rules

Ever get the feeling your kids would prefer to live in an orphanage than at your house?  I do.
And that's not a bad thing some days!

Yesterday and today have been Learning the Rules (again) days.  I actually broke down and went out and bought 2 rolls of tear off tickets (like for admission, at Staples).  Each got to pick their own color - red for James and yellow for Joy.  You could tell, they were thinking, this is gonna be great!  We get tickets!  Where are we going?

And then The RULES of the game started being enforced....

Each ticket is worth 15 minutes of tv or tablet/ipad time.  Instead of the prevailing attitude that children in my house are "owed" time on the tablet or ipad, we will be earning time.  At my and Dad's discretion.  Doing chores doesn't count for tickets (that's what the allowance is for).  Doing EXTRA chores without being asked will get you a ticket.  Whining or outright defiance will get your tickets taken from you.

What?!  We have to WORK?

You should have heard James!  First the look, then the whine, then the arm slam on the table, then the head slam on the arm on the table.  Then the tears.  Then the screaming, complete with scratching while being placed on the stairs in time out.

All this over doing work?

Yup, you bet!

After he calmed down and we were able to work together to clear the kitchen table, I asked him if he had chores in Taiwan.  He said no.  I asked if his older brothers had chores, he said a little.  I asked if his older sister (who is 14 I believe) had chores, and he said, lots. But not you?  No, he says.  "I ask Taiwan mama to help and she say no, not for little boys."  I'm laughing as I relate that conversation.  He was downright indignant that I should ask him to clear anyone else's dishes from the table, much less straighten anyone's shoes but his own on the floor.

Oh my - this is going to be a long process!

Today, after the second bowl of soup, I laid out a peeled cutie, in 4 sections and put them on James' placemat.  Based on the reaction I got, you would have thought I put radioactive waste next to him!! The whining and tears followed.  I tried to be clear about this - if you whine and cry, you will have to give me a ticket back from your box.  He understood and I could see the wheels turning.  No.

Okay, that will be 2 tickets from your box.  Go get them please.

NO.

That will be 3 tickets (he only has 4).  Get them now.

NO!!!!!

Uh-oh.  That will be 4 tickets and now you are in time out.

As I'm carrying him to the stairs, he kicks the dog.  Big Uh-Oh and he got carried all the way upstairs and deposited on his bed.  This has worked before, so I knew it wasn't going to be like Joy's time outs, which don't work btw, and are explosive and very LOUD.  I told him he could come downstairs when he was ready to be a good boy.  Tears and The Stare, but no complaints.

***I have got to start working out again - I thought I was going to pass out from carrying all 62 pounds of him upstairs while wriggling on my shoulder!***

About 15 minutes later, he appears, contrite, apologizes and comes down the stairs.  He tells me he still isn't going to give me the 4 tickets though.  While I'm holding him in my lap, I explain that he can't make the rules.  He can tell me he doesn't like them, that's okay, but I make the rules.  When I tell him to do something, I expect him to do it.  So, go get the tickets from your box and give them to me.

"Mama, I no like that rule."

I understand.  Let's go get the tickets together. 

And he gets up, smiles and we go to his box.  I get the tickets out and while he is frowning, no more complaints.  Only then does he ask me if he can earn them back.  I said yes, with work.

More frowning, but no tantrum.

So back to the lunch table to eat the 4 segments of orange.  I leave him to it (Joy has been doing her homework all this time and being VERY good - but watching every single thing intently!  I'm pleased that she is learning by watching and doesn't have to experience every little thing!).  A few minutes later, as I'm helping Joy with her cursive, James comes to tell me he has eaten his oranges.  Hmmm...no smell of orange.  No orange stains on hands.

Oh guess what, the orange is still on the table.  So while holding him on my lap we work at eating the orange.  As he's about to make another fit and I'm remembering that I don't want to force food in his mouth, I am thinking to myself - yes, I'm willing to die on this hill. 

Good thing God was looking after me!  He took one bite and went, mmmm good!  But then he wanted to spit out the pulp.  I said no, we eat that.  He tells me Taiwan mama make him spit that out.  I tried to explain that's where all the nutrients are, but I just said, okay, but here we eat it. Swallow that before you put the next part in, ok?

So I end up with a happy little boy who now knows that he likes cuties and can get one anytime from the butcher block, and he doesn't have to spit any of it out.

I also taught a little boy to clean up the kitchen table, wipe it down and put the mats back in place for a ticket.  Then help me clean the dog poop off of his shoes (again) for another ticket.  That was funny too - I handed him a clean shoe, wet on the bottom, with a paper towel to dry it off, and he acted like I had handed him a dead mouse!  EEEeee-uurrr! 

So funny!

Now you  may ask why I'm resorting to tickets and this pretty basic, but draconian system.  Part of it is that it's clear to me that JR never had these sorts of rules applied to him.  He understands them, but was never made to be part of the family in this way.  Some of that is cultural, I'm sure, and some of it may have been because he was the baby in the family, is clearly cute and knows how to be cute when needed.  I don't know if at some point they would have worked with him to conform and learn how to obey rules or not.  I do know that in our family and in our culture, children are expected to understand obedience.  This isn't just for their own safety, it is for their inner security as well.  So that's the reason to do this for him.

The reason Joy is part of this as well is that after an anxiety attack, for lack of a better word, that lasted 2 days, Joy was able to tell me that she wished she was 5 again (the age she was when she came home to us) so that she could learn the rules again.  It's as if the last 3 years just vanished!  All the trust built up, the learning of rules, even the learning of language.  I know that she was supposed to regress!  I know that she should - and it gives us a chance to fill in the gaps better, but boy, is it hard sometimes!

So, we are not taking anything for granted.  Rules are spelled out.  Each has to repeat, in their own way, what the rule means.  Tickets are given.  Tickets are taken away.  Ipad and tablet time at bed are the most coveted thing right now, so that is the reward.  I hope to move to the altruistic stage, but as Tim informs me continually, no one does anything except out of "enlightened self-interest".  Maybe so.  Hope we get there at least!

I have much to say about Joy's regression and progression, but it will have to wait till next time.  I have promised playground time today for 2 hours of good school time this morning.  I need to do that before the sun goes down!

Thanks for reading!
Margaret

The Grocery Store Adventures Continue

For anyone who has braved the store with kids, you know what I'm talking about!  LOL

Try it with one who only sorta understands what I mean and has never had any rules (and might never have been in a grocery store for that matter) and another one who jealously watches to make sure she gets the same attention as her brother, and it can be, well - entertaining!

We were at Sprouts this afternoon.  I was doing my best to plan it so that it would work - playground first, snack next, then bathroom, then shopping.   We were doing well as we strode into the store.  Joy got the cart.  James started to climb in.  I knew I had more things to get than that, so I said no.  He continued to climb.  I'm still saying, "Jamesno" when I realize that not only do I need to grab him so he doesn't fall but that we are blocking the doorway.  So with 7 people waiting to get into the store, I grab him, explain that when I say No, I mean don't keep doing what you're doing.  He politely says, Yes Mommy.  And as I put him on the ground, he tries to climb again as I'm moving the cart, with Joy hanging on my arm like a dead weight.  I'm not quite sure what I said next, but children did obey.  I think I might have heard a laugh or two behind me....

The next hurdle is who is going to steer the cart.  James is too young, I explain, showing him how he can't see over the top of the cart well enough.  He's mad about that, and starts the arm slamming down on something close by with his head following close behind.  Only problem with that was we were at the cheese aisle.  I managed to stop him before he plowed his arm into some expensive semisoft cheese! 

Next is vegetables.  Joy is driving the cart and James is telling her where to go.  It's cute as he is practicing his directions and Joy is practicing obeying - so I don't interfere much with that except to say I want to go Left, etc.  I stop to get green beans and I hear an eruption about 2 feet from me.  Another lady is getting green beans next to me.  (Mind you, this is early afternoon, so all the other kids are in school and these are mostly moms shopping.)  I know from the sound of it that there is pushing and shoving going on and I guess that it is the cart that's getting shoved.  So I look over, assess that no real damage had been done YET, and say, "That's 1 for you both."  Immediate indignant response from them both.  I remind them, pretty calmly, I thought, that in stores they get counted together.  Joy starts in on "I didn't do anything" while I calmly pick out green beans and say again, those are the rules.  She starts to complain that at home it's different, right?  Yes, I say, at home you get counted separately.  The lady next to me starts laughing.  I felt like I was revealing my entire Mom Handbook to a stranger.  I left with not quite enough green beans.

Next to the milk aisle which borders the frozen food aisle.  As I'm looking for their yogurt drink, I hear Joy say, very loudly, "James, don't lick the glass!"  I look over and James is standing with his head against the glass in front of the ice cream.  He says, in this pitiful little voice, "Mommy, ice cream please!"  I say, No, sorry no ice cream.  He gets a little louder, "Mommy, ice cream Pleeeassse!"  No, sorry not today.  "When today?  Tomorrow?"  No, not tomorrow, sweetie.  "Tomorrow tomorrow?"  No  "Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow?"  No.

By this time there are 3 moms and a man unloading product listening to this.

So in desperation, I say to James, "Sweetheart, you can have some ice cream at Christmas."  A little bright smile greets me, but he still has his head resting on the glass.  And says, "Tomorrow Christmas?"  No, honey.  "Tomorrow tomorrow Christmas?"

At this point everyone is laughing out loud.  I just scoop him up and say, You'll know when it's Christmas.

Checkout time - and they were golden!  No reaching hands grabbing things and no whining.  Both helping to unload the cart and smiling and being nice to each other.  They then sat on the stools at the high bar just a few feet away.

And then I had one of those conversations that as an adoptive parent you know are out there, but they don't happen that often to me.  The young woman who was checking me out was pleasant and friendly and said something nice to both of my kids.  She said something that made James laugh and he does have that megawat smile!  After the kids went to play on the stools, she said to me, "So are they adopted?"  I said, yes and because James said something she didn't understand, I added, "We've been home from Taiwan for a month."  "Oh, wow!  That's so amazing!  So you adopted them both? Are they brother and sister?" 

I knew that she meant did I adopt them both at the same time, but I didn't want to go into that, so I just answered yes.  She was probably around 22 or so and seemed to be from Indonesia.  She then said, "How is he doing here?  Is he happy?  So he's better off now?"

I know that she meant, that must be a huge transition and how is he doing and did he come from a horrible situation.  But it felt like she was saying, are you sure he's better off here?  Just the tone of her voice and the way she looked at him made me feel that way.   I was thinking inside, look at him - he's happy and you can see he's doing just fine. I'm remembering how his moods would swing and he seemed to be swimming through life without a life jacket, almost sunk by each new emotion or situation because of his diet and lack of discipline.  I looked at him happily playing with his new sister and climbing back down to the stool when I told him to without a tantrum or a frown.  I KNOW he's better off.  Even if he is now in a multi-cultural family with parents who don't look like him, who didn't grow up speaking the same language.  I know that God's plan is better than anything I can dream up, and while there are hard things about being his parent, it is what is best - for all of us!

So I just answered her by saying, "He's doing a great job!  And yes, both kids are happy."

Then I squeezed them both between me and the cart's handrail and wheeled them out to the car, buckled them in, and thanked God that His plan included these 2 precious children and me.