James, no, you can't climb on the ladder.
James, no, you cannot unplug things.
James, no, you cannot unscrew the light bulbs because you think it is too bright in here.
James, no, you cannot help me by opening the oven door when I'm cooking.
James, no, you can't shove your sister into the refrigerator because she said you had to eat an apple.
James, no, you cannot spit all over the mirror when brushing your teeth because you think it's funny.
James, no, you better not slide down the stairs head-first.
James, no, don't growl in the dog's face, again.
James, no, I am not a trampoline and you cannot jump on me.
Tim said yesterday he is sure the boy will think his name is "James No Ziegler".
I have no doubt!
This is just a small sampling of what it is like to have a 6 year old in the house who hasn't been taught about, well, much of anything in the real world. I take that back - he may have been taught and he is testing to see, or he may be curious and that has overridden the learning. Or he may think this isn't the real world, lol!
In any case, it is like having a 2 year old who runs to the next interesting thing but James is big enough to do some real damage or get hurt.
It is exhausting in ways I wouldn't have thought. The constant instruction - what word is this, what do you want, this is how we act, this is what we do, this is what you meant to say - I know these things are vitally important and I'm more than happy to be teaching him, but a little break would be nice too! Repeating them 1000s of time a day is literally and emotionally exhausting, no question!
Now that we've been home a month, there are things about him that I'm still figuring out, but there is a lot about his personality that is coming into focus.
He is naturally happy and loves to laugh. He loves to make other people laugh and has learned that being silly (constantly) is one way to get attention and make people laugh. He does not really like to share, but he does like having a play-mate. He gets angry easily and when he does, he lowers his eyelids and looks out the side of his eyes, like in a horror flick. (It's pretty creepy, except that he's 6 years old. Wonder where he learned that?) He has quite the temper and sometimes simple things get him riled up. There are immediate tears, with eyes shut tightly. Then slamming his arm on the table/bed/stairs/floor/grass and then slamming his head on his arm, quite dramatically. It's genuine, but it's also very overblown. Temper tantrums in time out last about 8-10 minutes, which seems long for a 6 year old, but he's pretty stubborn. The beautiful thing is that once he's calmed himself (and it is best to leave him alone, I've learned), he will get up and come apologize very sweetly and heart-felt. I'm grateful for that!
- Here is a short story that illustrates the temper -
While I was at choir rehearsal on Monday, Tim made cookies with the kids. Joy loves to cook with her dad, and I know it was more work than it seems. James was particularly excited bc he hasn't been allowed cookies unless they are made with cane sugar, which, face it, are that good! Tim wouldn't let them eat the cookies until I got home, creating the homecoming every mother dreams of! :)
The next morning, Joy and I have been up and James comes down the stairs sleepily (he does NOT like to wake up), but he's already dressed and ready to face the day, mostly. He sees the tupperware of cookies on the counter and makes a beeline for it. COOKIES, he shouts! And proceeds to grab the whole tub to take with him somewhere special. I grab the cookies and say, no cookies for breakfast. Would you like eggs or cereal or soup?
SCREAMING ensues. Literally!
I try laughing, saying, no, we don't eat cookies for breakfast. That only made it louder.
So I put him in time out by himself (while he tries to scratch the daylights out of my arms - - - ) but the only place I have to put him is on the little tramp that sits in the music room at the moment (because of the Christmas tree). That is because I have a repairman in the house fixing the dryer who is coming up and down the stairs!
So yes, I have a screaming, crying, irate little boy in one room, 2 barking dogs in the kitchen, and another little one trying to out-do her brother in the other room, all while I have a stranger in the house - for 12 full minutes. Oh fun! I can't imagine what he thought about all that.
Maybe the funniest part of the story though is what the repairman said to me when he finished: "Don't let the munchkins use the appliances, I mean don't teach them how, because they will only break them. And never, ever let your husband use any appliance in the house - that's a sure way to break them." He proceeded to ask me if my microwave had stalactites growing from the ceiling, meaning that my husband had surely caused them. I ushered him out the door, saying, "My husband is a professional chef. I'm pretty sure he knows his way around the kitchen just fine, thank you for the advice." I refrained from saying, "If you want to wash your kids clothes until they are 25, that's fine, but mine will know how to use the appliances. In fact, my stepson does a pretty mean load of laundry, when he wants to." Tim told me I should call and report him, but why should I deprive the next little housewife of that sage advice? ;)
Now back to my list -
James came to us with no voice regulation - everything he said, he said loudly. I've read on other blogs of adoptive children from Taiwan that this seems pretty common. He wasn't in an orphanage, but somehow he just didn't learn how to speak softly. He's made tremendous strides, but it can get loud and overwhelming pretty quickly.
His taste in food is, well, a little puzzling, to be honest. He likes cheese pizza, then has a tummy ache. Wonder why? ;) He likes noodle soup, fried eggs (NOT runny yellow part but don't try to turn them over as he won't eat them, screaming "EE-UR", so basted are the answer), apples if the skin is cut off and he still screws up his face when presented with it, even while saying yum, soda (although I told him that we drink Zevia soda here in America - made with Stevia rather than HFCS and so far that's working), fried rice if it doesn't have meat in it and no carrots, steamed pork dumplings, and anything sweet.
He just won't eat any protein other than eggs! Oh and Green Things? Broccoli flowerets (no stems please and each one is presented to me with "I no like dis") and green peas or snow peas are okay. But it seems that most of his diet consisted of starch. I think a great deal of his initial behavior issues have to do with that. I'm working on it, but it is hard. Rice and noodles - a staple. So slow progress on that.
Oh, one other aspect of my daily life that you might not guess - I cook for 2 kids from the time they get up to the time they go to bed. Or at least it seems that way. Eggs and yogurt for breakfast, then 20 minutes later I hear the call, "I'm HUNGRY" like he will never get food again if he doesn't scream it at me. Okay, noodle soup? Good, now go outside and play. 30 minutes later, "I'm HUNGRY" having forgotten that he just ate. Soda and crackers with apples. 40 minutes later, yup, you guessed it. How about some left over rice? No? Noodles with the egg on it? Okay.
You get the picture - it is a constant game to see what he will eat and then getting enough in him to last more than an hour at a time. He gets up and walks around while chewing enough in his mouth for 4 kids. We're working on both of those things, complete with the "if you leave this table again, the food goes away" which usually brings tears, so we keep that for last. But after spending 45 minutes eating soup, I'm pretty much willing to threaten starvation to leave the table, lol! (Yes, I know that with adopted children you have to be careful of using food as a punishment as they need that comfort and control - but we also have to learn how to eat food in a way that will function in society! I'm pretty careful to use that only when the other tactics have been ignored and only with James. I cannot use food that way with Joy as her reaction is feel insecure.)
I am not complaining. I'm trying to explain what life is like so that those who know us will understand why we are loopy! And also so those who are in process will be a little better prepared for anything. And for those who are living it like we are - you're not alone! :)
Here's to another 30 minutes without being in the kitchen!
Blessings,
Margaret
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
"In a Minute"
There are SO many little stories that I want to share - and SO little time when I can actually contemplate finishing a sentence! I know that some of you understand the difficulty - 2 kids, 2 dogs, 1 husband. It can be overwhelming at times just to complete a thought in my head, much less put it down on paper. But such is life!
I have to say that the two English phrases our son learned first were "In a minute" and "Oh my goodness". I guess I say that a lot! lol
One night, as I'm trying to get James dressed and ready for bed after a full day of learning and playing and being silly, I am met with resistance. He's tired and cranky, I understand that. He also does not like to be told to brush his teeth. He does a good job, but getting him to start is hard work. So, I'm explaining how if he wants to play on the ipad in bed before sleeping time comes, he has to brush his teeth, go potty and get his pj's on NOW. Not "in a minute" which he was saying to me. I know he understood, but just didn't want to. You know what he says to me? "Mama, no English!!!!!" Okay-dokey! No more English.
But brush your teeth!
Our friends have been asking how is he communicating, and I have to say, we really don't have many problems being understood. He might say we don't understand him, as he will launch into stories that are half in English, half sign language and a few Chinese words thrown in. It is a bit like charades - except I'm not sure what subject we're trying to talk about sometimes. But he's pretty clear about what he can't do and what he is supposed to do. When he deliberately messes around, he has that look that most kids do that says - I got away with it. Well, almost!
I admit that it is frustrating at times to be telling him something - like put on your coat - and have him walk away while you're talking to him. But then, Joy still claims she doesn't understand what I meant sometimes, so I guess it just goes with the territory.
In watching how Joy learned English, I think James is at least a year ahead of where Joy was after being home for less than a month. He has a couple of full complete sentences he can use. He knows tons of nouns and is starting to hear the pronouns that go with them (THE bowl, YOUR coat). I'm really pleased bc I know that Joy turned off her brain at times, when she heard a string of words in English that she didn't understand, she just stopped listening. We are now dealing with the consequences of that in school work and just basic listening skills at home. So I'm happy that James was well prepared and eager to learn English.
Since I'm writing this on Sunday, I have to mention church. I know it's hard for kids to sit during church. I know that our Sunday routine needs to start earlier (meaning, I need to get up earlier). I know that kids will tell you they need to go to the bathroom, or are hungry, or are sleepy, just to get your focus away from the service. Sometimes it is easy to smile and lovingly deal with the interruptions and wiggles. Sometimes - well, it just isn't easy at all.
This morning was one of those mornings. Joy wanted to sit next to James. James wanted to sleep in my lap (which meant laying across Joy). Joy wanted me to compliment her every move even when it didn't warrant a compliment. James threw Tim's glasses across 2 pews. Joy finally settled down to color in her book, but got mad when I put my arm around James (to keep him from climbing over the pew to sit with the older lady in front of us), so in the middle of the prayer we all got to hear, very loudly, "MEE-MAW!", her nickname for me, "What about ME?!". We finally had a few moments of peace, then Communion started. James has not wanted to be part of the filing down the aisle and kneeling at the altar rail. We started down the aisle okay, with the kids fighting over which of my hands they got to hold. But finally, Tim had to carry him. And then hold his hands, as he wanted to reach for everything he saw. Then had to carry him back up the aisle as then James thought it would be fun to sit down in the middle of things.
At least most people (the ones who know us, I guess) smiled at us on the way back to our pew. They were probably thinking, boy, I'm glad that's not me!
So even with the chaotic Sunday morning, I wouldn't have it any other way now! James is such a good fit with our family! He's funny, sweet, precocious, curious, and will learn the boundaries that he needs are to help him grow. He's learning to be a little tougher and got up pretty well this morning (after the 45 minutes of screaming yesterday morning). And all around him, we are learning to be a better family for each other and for him too!
They are back from the store - more stories next time!
Thanks for reading -
Margaret
I have to say that the two English phrases our son learned first were "In a minute" and "Oh my goodness". I guess I say that a lot! lol
One night, as I'm trying to get James dressed and ready for bed after a full day of learning and playing and being silly, I am met with resistance. He's tired and cranky, I understand that. He also does not like to be told to brush his teeth. He does a good job, but getting him to start is hard work. So, I'm explaining how if he wants to play on the ipad in bed before sleeping time comes, he has to brush his teeth, go potty and get his pj's on NOW. Not "in a minute" which he was saying to me. I know he understood, but just didn't want to. You know what he says to me? "Mama, no English!!!!!" Okay-dokey! No more English.
But brush your teeth!
Our friends have been asking how is he communicating, and I have to say, we really don't have many problems being understood. He might say we don't understand him, as he will launch into stories that are half in English, half sign language and a few Chinese words thrown in. It is a bit like charades - except I'm not sure what subject we're trying to talk about sometimes. But he's pretty clear about what he can't do and what he is supposed to do. When he deliberately messes around, he has that look that most kids do that says - I got away with it. Well, almost!
I admit that it is frustrating at times to be telling him something - like put on your coat - and have him walk away while you're talking to him. But then, Joy still claims she doesn't understand what I meant sometimes, so I guess it just goes with the territory.
In watching how Joy learned English, I think James is at least a year ahead of where Joy was after being home for less than a month. He has a couple of full complete sentences he can use. He knows tons of nouns and is starting to hear the pronouns that go with them (THE bowl, YOUR coat). I'm really pleased bc I know that Joy turned off her brain at times, when she heard a string of words in English that she didn't understand, she just stopped listening. We are now dealing with the consequences of that in school work and just basic listening skills at home. So I'm happy that James was well prepared and eager to learn English.
Since I'm writing this on Sunday, I have to mention church. I know it's hard for kids to sit during church. I know that our Sunday routine needs to start earlier (meaning, I need to get up earlier). I know that kids will tell you they need to go to the bathroom, or are hungry, or are sleepy, just to get your focus away from the service. Sometimes it is easy to smile and lovingly deal with the interruptions and wiggles. Sometimes - well, it just isn't easy at all.
This morning was one of those mornings. Joy wanted to sit next to James. James wanted to sleep in my lap (which meant laying across Joy). Joy wanted me to compliment her every move even when it didn't warrant a compliment. James threw Tim's glasses across 2 pews. Joy finally settled down to color in her book, but got mad when I put my arm around James (to keep him from climbing over the pew to sit with the older lady in front of us), so in the middle of the prayer we all got to hear, very loudly, "MEE-MAW!", her nickname for me, "What about ME?!". We finally had a few moments of peace, then Communion started. James has not wanted to be part of the filing down the aisle and kneeling at the altar rail. We started down the aisle okay, with the kids fighting over which of my hands they got to hold. But finally, Tim had to carry him. And then hold his hands, as he wanted to reach for everything he saw. Then had to carry him back up the aisle as then James thought it would be fun to sit down in the middle of things.
At least most people (the ones who know us, I guess) smiled at us on the way back to our pew. They were probably thinking, boy, I'm glad that's not me!
So even with the chaotic Sunday morning, I wouldn't have it any other way now! James is such a good fit with our family! He's funny, sweet, precocious, curious, and will learn the boundaries that he needs are to help him grow. He's learning to be a little tougher and got up pretty well this morning (after the 45 minutes of screaming yesterday morning). And all around him, we are learning to be a better family for each other and for him too!
They are back from the store - more stories next time!
Thanks for reading -
Margaret
Friday, November 2, 2012
Here are some pictures, finally!
.jpg) | |
| Playing at the playground in Colorado |
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| At the Taipei Zoo - what could be better than ice cream? |
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| Let's get messy! |
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| Saying Goodbye at Chung Yi |
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| High above the mountains around Taipei |
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| Taipei from the gondola |
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| Learning and listening |
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| Happy Siblings |
We are settling in, but the business of life doesn't hit until tomorrow. Hope I get some sleep tonight....
Margaret
Thursday, November 1, 2012
The First Temper Tantrum
Well, I have now seen the first tantrum. I had heard about and read about them, so I was prepared!
What I wasn't prepared for was the ending.
It was over - wait for it - Legos! That's a huge surprise. Joy has a police car. James does not. He is nuts for cars of all kinds, but police cars, well, that's something special. So when Joy said no, he could not play with her car, he just lost it. We went to sit on the step together when he tried to grab her Legos box and get the car out anyway. He cried on my knee, saying "I want to play with the police car" over and over again (I assume, since it was partly in Chinese and partly in English). I tried to calmly just say no, that's Joy's. At some point, when I thought he was a little more rational, I pointed to his box of Legos and said, for James. He pointed to it and basically said, throw it away, I don't want it. It was so funny!
So, I put it in the closet and said, bye bye. He seemed fine with that. Asked for Joy's car again, raged again, this time trying to hit the couch. I tried to get him to jump on the mini tramp we have in the room, but that seemed to make him madder.
At any rate, after about 20 minutes of this, he asked for his box of Legos out of the closet. I got it down and set it down on the carpet. He told me to shoo, so I left him alone, being busy in the room. He cried a little more, then got out the book that came with the Legos. In a few minutes, he called me to come over (Lai) and told me he wanted to make the fire engine in the book.
So we sat down on the carpet and made the fire engine, with proper modifications, of course. And he was a happy boy again.
Joy was doing a great job of being concerned but not in the middle of it either. When we started making the fire engine, I asked her to get her police car out so that they could play together. That made him just as happy as could be! She didn't let him touch it, but they played together, chasing phantom bad guys through the hallway!
So after being prepared for a "bad temper" and not much "regulation of emotions", I found a little boy who was genuinely mad, expressed it, found a solution, and got over it. Amazing!
Later - Jet Lag and "Mommy, 2 cereal, 2 egg, 2 soup please!"
What I wasn't prepared for was the ending.
It was over - wait for it - Legos! That's a huge surprise. Joy has a police car. James does not. He is nuts for cars of all kinds, but police cars, well, that's something special. So when Joy said no, he could not play with her car, he just lost it. We went to sit on the step together when he tried to grab her Legos box and get the car out anyway. He cried on my knee, saying "I want to play with the police car" over and over again (I assume, since it was partly in Chinese and partly in English). I tried to calmly just say no, that's Joy's. At some point, when I thought he was a little more rational, I pointed to his box of Legos and said, for James. He pointed to it and basically said, throw it away, I don't want it. It was so funny!
So, I put it in the closet and said, bye bye. He seemed fine with that. Asked for Joy's car again, raged again, this time trying to hit the couch. I tried to get him to jump on the mini tramp we have in the room, but that seemed to make him madder.
At any rate, after about 20 minutes of this, he asked for his box of Legos out of the closet. I got it down and set it down on the carpet. He told me to shoo, so I left him alone, being busy in the room. He cried a little more, then got out the book that came with the Legos. In a few minutes, he called me to come over (Lai) and told me he wanted to make the fire engine in the book.
So we sat down on the carpet and made the fire engine, with proper modifications, of course. And he was a happy boy again.
Joy was doing a great job of being concerned but not in the middle of it either. When we started making the fire engine, I asked her to get her police car out so that they could play together. That made him just as happy as could be! She didn't let him touch it, but they played together, chasing phantom bad guys through the hallway!
So after being prepared for a "bad temper" and not much "regulation of emotions", I found a little boy who was genuinely mad, expressed it, found a solution, and got over it. Amazing!
Later - Jet Lag and "Mommy, 2 cereal, 2 egg, 2 soup please!"
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