Standing the kitchen, after coming home late from Choir rehearsal, Joy is eating a little cereal and I'm getting the dogs their pills. She all of a sudden has a serious face and says, "I'm really sorry mama." I say, about what? "No, Mama," very emphatically, "I'm REALLY sorry and I won't do it again!!"
I can't imagine what's she's done since getting out of the car to warrant such a serious, heartfelt apology, so I ask again, what are you sorry about?
"I gave Katrina a popsicle." You did? When was that?
"I'm really sorry! I was only 5 then, and I was outside sneaking away from you" (I think she means, hiding) "and I was playing with Katrina, and and and.....I was afraid of timeout.....and and and....I'm really sorry!"
The words are just pouring out of her, faster than she can really control, so some of this story is a mystery, but the gist was that she was outside with Katrina and either she gave it to the dog or Katrina took it, but the popsicle ended up in Katrina's stomach, not Joy's. And because she didn't want to get in trouble, she didn't tell me.
So, after stifling a laugh, I told her how proud I was of her for telling me and she wouldn't get in trouble for that. She didn't believe me at first and told me again it was when she was "really little, you know, 5 years old". Uh-huh. It's because you told me that you won't get in trouble. It's okay. Katrina is okay too.
We talked about feeding Katrina people food, with a reminder about grapes (which are very poisonous to dogs), and everything was fine.
In fact, things were so fine that she told me how much she loved me, over and over again! "100 times I love you, Mama! Do you love me that much?" Yes, sweetheart, a hundred, a million, a billion, a trillion times. I hundred billion trillion times! More than you can count! "Why, Mama? Why do you love me so much!?"
Because you're you, my sweetheart!
Makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it?
Monday, October 18, 2010
A Totally Different Child
I just wanted to post that after our trauma with brushing teeth, we had a nearly perfect child for several days! Joy was so funny - the first thing out of her mouth the next morning was, "I'm sorry, Mama!" And then it was, "no tv????" lol!!
Even after a day at school, she said, out of the blue, "I'm really sorry. I was a bad girl, wasn't I?" I guess it's beginning to sink in that she doesn't get her way when she throws a tantrum, it only makes things worse.
And I wanted to let you know that we survived without tv for 3 days too! Just in case you were worried!
Funny Phrases
I wanted to share a few funnies that Joy has said recently. Her understanding of English and the subtleties of words strung together has grown so much recently! I know school has a lot to do with this, but her natural curiosity is at play here too.
She's in the living room, pretending to fight an imaginary enemy with her "stick" and tells me that she's doing "Kung Food"!!
She still says, "hold stiff" for hold still.
She's been worried about Tim and me dying and going to heaven before her, so last night, after telling her we'd watch over her from heaven someday, she says, "Mama, when you go to heaven, can I have a boyfriend?" Oh, it was hard not laugh at that one!
"Why did you lie to me?" (Her favorite phrase right now....) What do you mean, sweetie? "You said I could have 2 candies!" Oh, I said you could have one, TOO. "Why do you make up words?" My explanation of the three to/too/two's didn't hold her attention, but I was proud of her noticing there was a difference.
And one last one for now - Nasty! I wish I hadn't said that, ever! It is now used for ANY response, appropriate or not, complete with various inflections ranging from horror to delight. I know it's a phase, but I'm ready for this one to be over with! ;)
Pictures in the next post!
Margaret
Even after a day at school, she said, out of the blue, "I'm really sorry. I was a bad girl, wasn't I?" I guess it's beginning to sink in that she doesn't get her way when she throws a tantrum, it only makes things worse.
And I wanted to let you know that we survived without tv for 3 days too! Just in case you were worried!
Funny Phrases
I wanted to share a few funnies that Joy has said recently. Her understanding of English and the subtleties of words strung together has grown so much recently! I know school has a lot to do with this, but her natural curiosity is at play here too.
She's in the living room, pretending to fight an imaginary enemy with her "stick" and tells me that she's doing "Kung Food"!!
She still says, "hold stiff" for hold still.
She's been worried about Tim and me dying and going to heaven before her, so last night, after telling her we'd watch over her from heaven someday, she says, "Mama, when you go to heaven, can I have a boyfriend?" Oh, it was hard not laugh at that one!
"Why did you lie to me?" (Her favorite phrase right now....) What do you mean, sweetie? "You said I could have 2 candies!" Oh, I said you could have one, TOO. "Why do you make up words?" My explanation of the three to/too/two's didn't hold her attention, but I was proud of her noticing there was a difference.
And one last one for now - Nasty! I wish I hadn't said that, ever! It is now used for ANY response, appropriate or not, complete with various inflections ranging from horror to delight. I know it's a phase, but I'm ready for this one to be over with! ;)
Pictures in the next post!
Margaret
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Brush Your Teeth, Please!
Who knew that brushing teeth could cause so much angst!? Seriously, we do it every morning and every evening - - - and EVERY morning and EVERY evening, it gets the same response: tears and tantrums.
Why?
She doesn't have any teeth issues and knows how to brush her teeth very well. When I do go upstairs with her, I just stand there and watch. But I'm trying to get her to do it by herself so that the morning and evening runs more smoothly. In the mornings, I carry her up the stairs (from our bedroom where she's still sleeping on the futon), but deposit her in front of the bathroom with instructions to brush her teeth. I have to let the dogs out and will be back to help her dress after that. Tears ensue.
I'm still trying to figure it out, but my guess is that Joy wants to tell me what to do, and this is the last ditch effort each day to accomplish that. She certainly wakes up with that in mind as well!
At least tonight, it felt like a control issue. I guess I need to find new ways of dealing with it. As she is stomping her feet on the stairs, screaming at the top of her lungs and crying "mama" like she's being poked with needles, I'm standing at the bottom of the stairs, about 4 feet away from her going, "what are you doing?". I act like I can't believe she's going to be such a little girl. That doesn't work.
I tell her I'm going to ignore her until she stops. That only makes it worse. So, reluctantly, I start counting and taking away things she likes to do. That makes her explode into fits of hitting herself, hitting the wall and trying to hit me. That's enough, I decide, so I scoop her up and hold her, telling her I'll let her go when she stops screaming.
Thirty minutes later, she's still fighting me but calmer. After a bath, some soothing lotion, and a little bit of talking, I think we're fine. Then it starts up again over something silly. I told her new rules - when she is sassy and talks back, she'll have to do jumping jacks. She immediately tries that out and sure enough, she's doing jumping jacks in the bedroom.
It's really funny, in a way because she's screaming and tears are running down her face, and she's trying to do jumping jacks while I count them. If her arms don't go up, I don't count it and she screams louder but does another one perfectly!
We do that about 5 times, and I know she's dead tired, but she won't stop pushing the limits. Eventually, just about 2 hours from when we started, she's in the futon, almost stopped crying, with Tim trying to sleep in the bed.
One of the new rules is bedtime is going to be an hour earlier from now on. And no tv after dinner. I don't know if she got overstimulated and couldn't calm herself or if she was so tired she couldn't stop herself, but in either case, we've got to try to avoid the things that set us up for this kind of bedtime.
I'm writing this, not to show you how bad Joy can be, but because several people have told me recently how much hearing about the reality of life has helped them. Adoption is not for the weak or faint-hearted - you have to be able to stick it out when your child is out of control. And they will be. They need you to be strong and BE there, no matter what!
My thought on what's going on with Joy right now is that she's adjusting really well and very quickly. And every time she gets closer to us, relaxes a little more into our lives together and even realizes that she loves us very much, it terrifies her. It means she can't go back to the life she had before. Ever.
She's old enough to remember both life in her foster family and life at the orphanage. While she almost never talks about life in the orphanage, I know she was aware and watching, and wary, all the time she was there. She got in trouble a lot. She got in trouble for crying, for throwing fits, for doing what she's doing now. They were not always so gentle with her. She keeps expecting us to treat her the way they did. We don't. Part of her is suspicious of us because we don't spank her, I think. She even told me once that her caregiver at the orphanage spanked her ("hard", she said) and "she loved me". Yes, she did, and so do we. And we love you so much, we won't do that.
I'm sure that's confusing to her.
I also think that she was pretty much given her way in her foster family. Joy was so mad the first time she really realized that there were rules here and she had to obey them!! She still is mad, I think, and still testing to see if we mean it.
It is tiring though, to be tested every night! Especially over something as silly as brushing your teeth ---
There are many more moments though, now, when Joy isn't testing us. She is enjoying life with us! And those are precious moments, when we get to see what a lovely, giving and loving child she is in there.
Now, if we could only find that child at night, when it's time to brush her teeth....
Why?
She doesn't have any teeth issues and knows how to brush her teeth very well. When I do go upstairs with her, I just stand there and watch. But I'm trying to get her to do it by herself so that the morning and evening runs more smoothly. In the mornings, I carry her up the stairs (from our bedroom where she's still sleeping on the futon), but deposit her in front of the bathroom with instructions to brush her teeth. I have to let the dogs out and will be back to help her dress after that. Tears ensue.
I'm still trying to figure it out, but my guess is that Joy wants to tell me what to do, and this is the last ditch effort each day to accomplish that. She certainly wakes up with that in mind as well!
At least tonight, it felt like a control issue. I guess I need to find new ways of dealing with it. As she is stomping her feet on the stairs, screaming at the top of her lungs and crying "mama" like she's being poked with needles, I'm standing at the bottom of the stairs, about 4 feet away from her going, "what are you doing?". I act like I can't believe she's going to be such a little girl. That doesn't work.
I tell her I'm going to ignore her until she stops. That only makes it worse. So, reluctantly, I start counting and taking away things she likes to do. That makes her explode into fits of hitting herself, hitting the wall and trying to hit me. That's enough, I decide, so I scoop her up and hold her, telling her I'll let her go when she stops screaming.
Thirty minutes later, she's still fighting me but calmer. After a bath, some soothing lotion, and a little bit of talking, I think we're fine. Then it starts up again over something silly. I told her new rules - when she is sassy and talks back, she'll have to do jumping jacks. She immediately tries that out and sure enough, she's doing jumping jacks in the bedroom.
It's really funny, in a way because she's screaming and tears are running down her face, and she's trying to do jumping jacks while I count them. If her arms don't go up, I don't count it and she screams louder but does another one perfectly!
We do that about 5 times, and I know she's dead tired, but she won't stop pushing the limits. Eventually, just about 2 hours from when we started, she's in the futon, almost stopped crying, with Tim trying to sleep in the bed.
One of the new rules is bedtime is going to be an hour earlier from now on. And no tv after dinner. I don't know if she got overstimulated and couldn't calm herself or if she was so tired she couldn't stop herself, but in either case, we've got to try to avoid the things that set us up for this kind of bedtime.
I'm writing this, not to show you how bad Joy can be, but because several people have told me recently how much hearing about the reality of life has helped them. Adoption is not for the weak or faint-hearted - you have to be able to stick it out when your child is out of control. And they will be. They need you to be strong and BE there, no matter what!
My thought on what's going on with Joy right now is that she's adjusting really well and very quickly. And every time she gets closer to us, relaxes a little more into our lives together and even realizes that she loves us very much, it terrifies her. It means she can't go back to the life she had before. Ever.
She's old enough to remember both life in her foster family and life at the orphanage. While she almost never talks about life in the orphanage, I know she was aware and watching, and wary, all the time she was there. She got in trouble a lot. She got in trouble for crying, for throwing fits, for doing what she's doing now. They were not always so gentle with her. She keeps expecting us to treat her the way they did. We don't. Part of her is suspicious of us because we don't spank her, I think. She even told me once that her caregiver at the orphanage spanked her ("hard", she said) and "she loved me". Yes, she did, and so do we. And we love you so much, we won't do that.
I'm sure that's confusing to her.
I also think that she was pretty much given her way in her foster family. Joy was so mad the first time she really realized that there were rules here and she had to obey them!! She still is mad, I think, and still testing to see if we mean it.
It is tiring though, to be tested every night! Especially over something as silly as brushing your teeth ---
There are many more moments though, now, when Joy isn't testing us. She is enjoying life with us! And those are precious moments, when we get to see what a lovely, giving and loving child she is in there.
Now, if we could only find that child at night, when it's time to brush her teeth....
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Honeymoon is Over
I know it happens for every adoptive family - that moment when you realize that your child isn't so sure she wanted you for a parent. You can prepare for it, but until it hits you over the head, there's really no way to steal your heart for those words: "I don't like you! I don't want to be here! I want to go HOME!"
It feels like that Honeymoon period of being excited by all these new things - language, food, people, routines, clothes, weather, dogs, and rules - has worn off. Joy is the most angry when she discovers (as she does daily) there are RULES here as well! I don't know what they told her in the orphanage, but she clearly thought there wouldn't be any strictures on her wants here! lol!
We are blessed that Joy is incredibly verbal. She has learned not just the language, but the nuances and the phrases that English is full of very well. She understands there are words that sound alike but mean different things. She knows there are words that are reserved for adults, words that she shouldn't use, and words that mean different things to different people. I'm constantly amazed at what she's learned!
With that proficiency has come an excellerated rebellion against us, I think.
We are having a push-pull relationship right now. She needs me. She wants me to be close (next her at all times sometimes). But at the same time, she resents that she needs me. And she can say it out loud! I know not to take it personally. And I know to be patient and loving, and I am. But it breaks my heart that she's in this place at all!
She has SO much she's dealing with! Here are just some of the things we've talked about:
- No, you did not hurt your mother when you were born. You may have been "cut" out of her tummy, but it didn't hurt her. They have medicine to take that pain away. And no, that's not why she couldn't take care of you forever.
- Your birth mother is too sick to take care of you and she loved you SO much that she wanted you to have a mother and daddy who could take care of you and love you ALL of the time, forever.
- Nothing you can do will make us stop loving you. Nothing you say or do will stop us loving you. (She says - "but I don't want you to love me!") And we will love you even when you don't love yourself and don't want anyone else to love you!
- She says, "You don't have to love me, you know!" We want to love you! We get to love you! There's nothing in the world we want more than to love you!
- Last night she said, as she's pushing me away for the upteenth time, "But I don't need you!" And then cries if I try to leave...So I said to her - Do you know what you need? You need kisses (many kisses applied)! You need hugs (big tight hug)! You need me to love you (I love you whispered in her ear). And you need to love me (she says I love you back). And I need those things too! (She does the same back to me - while I'm trying not to cry!)
So, this little girl, who didn't ask to be adopted, who didn't get to pick her Forever Family, is dealing with her loss of friends and the familiar at the same time she is embracing this new life, these new people and this new language. No wonder she's acting out! ;)
It feels like that Honeymoon period of being excited by all these new things - language, food, people, routines, clothes, weather, dogs, and rules - has worn off. Joy is the most angry when she discovers (as she does daily) there are RULES here as well! I don't know what they told her in the orphanage, but she clearly thought there wouldn't be any strictures on her wants here! lol!
We are blessed that Joy is incredibly verbal. She has learned not just the language, but the nuances and the phrases that English is full of very well. She understands there are words that sound alike but mean different things. She knows there are words that are reserved for adults, words that she shouldn't use, and words that mean different things to different people. I'm constantly amazed at what she's learned!
With that proficiency has come an excellerated rebellion against us, I think.
We are having a push-pull relationship right now. She needs me. She wants me to be close (next her at all times sometimes). But at the same time, she resents that she needs me. And she can say it out loud! I know not to take it personally. And I know to be patient and loving, and I am. But it breaks my heart that she's in this place at all!
She has SO much she's dealing with! Here are just some of the things we've talked about:
- No, you did not hurt your mother when you were born. You may have been "cut" out of her tummy, but it didn't hurt her. They have medicine to take that pain away. And no, that's not why she couldn't take care of you forever.
- Your birth mother is too sick to take care of you and she loved you SO much that she wanted you to have a mother and daddy who could take care of you and love you ALL of the time, forever.
- Nothing you can do will make us stop loving you. Nothing you say or do will stop us loving you. (She says - "but I don't want you to love me!") And we will love you even when you don't love yourself and don't want anyone else to love you!
- She says, "You don't have to love me, you know!" We want to love you! We get to love you! There's nothing in the world we want more than to love you!
- Last night she said, as she's pushing me away for the upteenth time, "But I don't need you!" And then cries if I try to leave...So I said to her - Do you know what you need? You need kisses (many kisses applied)! You need hugs (big tight hug)! You need me to love you (I love you whispered in her ear). And you need to love me (she says I love you back). And I need those things too! (She does the same back to me - while I'm trying not to cry!)
So, this little girl, who didn't ask to be adopted, who didn't get to pick her Forever Family, is dealing with her loss of friends and the familiar at the same time she is embracing this new life, these new people and this new language. No wonder she's acting out! ;)
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