Our Life Now

This is a hard post to write and one that I have been putting off for a while.  But I think it's time now.

A fellow blogger, whom I only know through her posts, has several adopted children from Asia.  Her family of 9 would overwhelm me in a heartbeat and I admire her faith and her tenacity in raising her children with the love God and to flower as He intended.  She wrote on her blog recently about how hard it is.  I felt for her, and I felt the same way - it is SO hard at times.  It is SO rewarding at others.  Sometimes it's hard to know which is which.  And thus, I realized that I need to write this to our friends and family who are reading this.

As every other adoptive family I know, we want to present our kids in public in the best possible light.  It has been difficult to write about the daily struggle with behavior problems, learning disabilities, emotional difficulties and growing pains. I literally stopped writing about Joy's life with us because I did not want to share too much about her struggles to those who know her.  I did not want to influence their opinion of her.

But I have come to realize that explanations are better than just being silent about what is going on.

First of all, Joy is a blessing.  She is a wonderful sweet girl who is smart, loving and helpful.  The problem is that she cannot access that part of her much.  Her anxiety overwhelms her system and she becomes loud, crazy, uses inappropriate words and behavior, and can be pretty mean with her words.  Her fears are many - being stolen, something happening to me or Tim, being left behind, not being safe somehow - but they all stem from not feeling loved earlier in her life.

When I contrast her history with James', it seems obvious.  He was loved and cared for by one family for 6 years.  She was not.  Her foster family clearly loved her and doted on her.  But somehow in the transition from them to the orphanage, she felt abandoned in a way that wasn't explained to her.  Then another American family pulled out of adopting her during the court process.  She had already Skyped with them and was all ready to be with them Forever.

Only, that Forever never happened.

I can only imagine what her little heart must have thought when they presented her with us, her New Forever Family.  Yeah, right!  Forever, shmore-ever.  We'll see about that....

So there are days when it feels like she is testing us to see just how bad she can be before we send her back to Chung Yi.  How bad can she be before we pull out and say, oops, nope, we're not The Forever Family either?

Knowing that in my mind, and even in my heart, does only minimally make it easier to handle those days though.

There are times, like the other night, when her fear of not being loved, so over-takes her reasoning ability that she says one thing ("I don't want to take my Sleepy Time tonight!") and then immediately screams the opposite thing - back and forth - because her emotions have completely overwhelmed her.  She was screaming while getting in bed, while trying to hit me, trying to spit at Tim until I was able to pick her up and take her somewhere else.  We sat on the stairs with her flailing and wailing while I said, "Hold tight onto me" and we prayed.  That was what finally calmed her down.  Reason doesn't work.  Saying loving things doesn't get through.  Prayer was the only thing that worked.

Perhaps that is why she is in our family.  Maybe that is what God had in mind.

That night was the culmination of a 2 day anxiety attack, for lack of a better term.  Today, we are doing much better.  It's like she builds up to this cliff and has to throw herself over before she can come back to normal.

That's what's on one hand.  On the other hand, there is a little boy who desperately wants my complete attention.  He walks around the house saying, "Watching!".  It isn't a request - it is a command.  He is silly all the time, or would be if I let him.  He is learning constantly and his English is really amazing and would be even more so if he were the only child here.  He wants to cuddle and only gets half of my lap, as Joy has to take over the other half.  He gets angry so easily and I want to spend time helping him learn how to see the signals that he's getting mad and learn to diffuse it, but Joy is too jealous of my attention right now.  I worry that I'm not doing for him what he needs.

One thing my blogger friend said that really resonated is the worrying - there are so many medical and emotional components to these children that we will never know what caused.  We are just trying to put the pieces of their hearts back together, trying to figure out how to teach them what they need to know right now at this moment, or trying to figure out what is causing the emotional upset that is threatening to take over our home.  All while trying to have a "normal" life.

Add to that a set of older children to worry about and it does make for some sleepless nights!  (And yes, you older children, we do worry about you even if you don't need us to!)

I've been working with vitamin supplements and probiotics the last 2 weeks and I have seen some amazing improvements!  This is based on Dianne Craft's work with children with learning disabilities.  If you have ANY sort of behavior issue or ANY blocked learning gateway, please look up her work!  I can't say enough about how thoughtful her observations are and how much just reading her work has helped me. 

We are supplementing their diet with probiotics, grapeseed, magnesium, B complex and zinc.  The "magic" one is 5-htp though!  Amazing how it will even Joy out so that she can calm down and really just be herself - happy, helpful, loving, observant, calming.  I'm just in awe!

So there is much more to this saga and tomorrow will not be like today.  That keeps me at it sometimes. That and knowing that I'm not the one who has to handle it.  It has already been handled for me.
More later -
Margaret

Rules, Rules and More Rules

Ever get the feeling your kids would prefer to live in an orphanage than at your house?  I do.
And that's not a bad thing some days!

Yesterday and today have been Learning the Rules (again) days.  I actually broke down and went out and bought 2 rolls of tear off tickets (like for admission, at Staples).  Each got to pick their own color - red for James and yellow for Joy.  You could tell, they were thinking, this is gonna be great!  We get tickets!  Where are we going?

And then The RULES of the game started being enforced....

Each ticket is worth 15 minutes of tv or tablet/ipad time.  Instead of the prevailing attitude that children in my house are "owed" time on the tablet or ipad, we will be earning time.  At my and Dad's discretion.  Doing chores doesn't count for tickets (that's what the allowance is for).  Doing EXTRA chores without being asked will get you a ticket.  Whining or outright defiance will get your tickets taken from you.

What?!  We have to WORK?

You should have heard James!  First the look, then the whine, then the arm slam on the table, then the head slam on the arm on the table.  Then the tears.  Then the screaming, complete with scratching while being placed on the stairs in time out.

All this over doing work?

Yup, you bet!

After he calmed down and we were able to work together to clear the kitchen table, I asked him if he had chores in Taiwan.  He said no.  I asked if his older brothers had chores, he said a little.  I asked if his older sister (who is 14 I believe) had chores, and he said, lots. But not you?  No, he says.  "I ask Taiwan mama to help and she say no, not for little boys."  I'm laughing as I relate that conversation.  He was downright indignant that I should ask him to clear anyone else's dishes from the table, much less straighten anyone's shoes but his own on the floor.

Oh my - this is going to be a long process!

Today, after the second bowl of soup, I laid out a peeled cutie, in 4 sections and put them on James' placemat.  Based on the reaction I got, you would have thought I put radioactive waste next to him!! The whining and tears followed.  I tried to be clear about this - if you whine and cry, you will have to give me a ticket back from your box.  He understood and I could see the wheels turning.  No.

Okay, that will be 2 tickets from your box.  Go get them please.

NO.

That will be 3 tickets (he only has 4).  Get them now.

NO!!!!!

Uh-oh.  That will be 4 tickets and now you are in time out.

As I'm carrying him to the stairs, he kicks the dog.  Big Uh-Oh and he got carried all the way upstairs and deposited on his bed.  This has worked before, so I knew it wasn't going to be like Joy's time outs, which don't work btw, and are explosive and very LOUD.  I told him he could come downstairs when he was ready to be a good boy.  Tears and The Stare, but no complaints.

***I have got to start working out again - I thought I was going to pass out from carrying all 62 pounds of him upstairs while wriggling on my shoulder!***

About 15 minutes later, he appears, contrite, apologizes and comes down the stairs.  He tells me he still isn't going to give me the 4 tickets though.  While I'm holding him in my lap, I explain that he can't make the rules.  He can tell me he doesn't like them, that's okay, but I make the rules.  When I tell him to do something, I expect him to do it.  So, go get the tickets from your box and give them to me.

"Mama, I no like that rule."

I understand.  Let's go get the tickets together. 

And he gets up, smiles and we go to his box.  I get the tickets out and while he is frowning, no more complaints.  Only then does he ask me if he can earn them back.  I said yes, with work.

More frowning, but no tantrum.

So back to the lunch table to eat the 4 segments of orange.  I leave him to it (Joy has been doing her homework all this time and being VERY good - but watching every single thing intently!  I'm pleased that she is learning by watching and doesn't have to experience every little thing!).  A few minutes later, as I'm helping Joy with her cursive, James comes to tell me he has eaten his oranges.  Hmmm...no smell of orange.  No orange stains on hands.

Oh guess what, the orange is still on the table.  So while holding him on my lap we work at eating the orange.  As he's about to make another fit and I'm remembering that I don't want to force food in his mouth, I am thinking to myself - yes, I'm willing to die on this hill. 

Good thing God was looking after me!  He took one bite and went, mmmm good!  But then he wanted to spit out the pulp.  I said no, we eat that.  He tells me Taiwan mama make him spit that out.  I tried to explain that's where all the nutrients are, but I just said, okay, but here we eat it. Swallow that before you put the next part in, ok?

So I end up with a happy little boy who now knows that he likes cuties and can get one anytime from the butcher block, and he doesn't have to spit any of it out.

I also taught a little boy to clean up the kitchen table, wipe it down and put the mats back in place for a ticket.  Then help me clean the dog poop off of his shoes (again) for another ticket.  That was funny too - I handed him a clean shoe, wet on the bottom, with a paper towel to dry it off, and he acted like I had handed him a dead mouse!  EEEeee-uurrr! 

So funny!

Now you  may ask why I'm resorting to tickets and this pretty basic, but draconian system.  Part of it is that it's clear to me that JR never had these sorts of rules applied to him.  He understands them, but was never made to be part of the family in this way.  Some of that is cultural, I'm sure, and some of it may have been because he was the baby in the family, is clearly cute and knows how to be cute when needed.  I don't know if at some point they would have worked with him to conform and learn how to obey rules or not.  I do know that in our family and in our culture, children are expected to understand obedience.  This isn't just for their own safety, it is for their inner security as well.  So that's the reason to do this for him.

The reason Joy is part of this as well is that after an anxiety attack, for lack of a better word, that lasted 2 days, Joy was able to tell me that she wished she was 5 again (the age she was when she came home to us) so that she could learn the rules again.  It's as if the last 3 years just vanished!  All the trust built up, the learning of rules, even the learning of language.  I know that she was supposed to regress!  I know that she should - and it gives us a chance to fill in the gaps better, but boy, is it hard sometimes!

So, we are not taking anything for granted.  Rules are spelled out.  Each has to repeat, in their own way, what the rule means.  Tickets are given.  Tickets are taken away.  Ipad and tablet time at bed are the most coveted thing right now, so that is the reward.  I hope to move to the altruistic stage, but as Tim informs me continually, no one does anything except out of "enlightened self-interest".  Maybe so.  Hope we get there at least!

I have much to say about Joy's regression and progression, but it will have to wait till next time.  I have promised playground time today for 2 hours of good school time this morning.  I need to do that before the sun goes down!

Thanks for reading!
Margaret

The Grocery Store Adventures Continue

For anyone who has braved the store with kids, you know what I'm talking about!  LOL

Try it with one who only sorta understands what I mean and has never had any rules (and might never have been in a grocery store for that matter) and another one who jealously watches to make sure she gets the same attention as her brother, and it can be, well - entertaining!

We were at Sprouts this afternoon.  I was doing my best to plan it so that it would work - playground first, snack next, then bathroom, then shopping.   We were doing well as we strode into the store.  Joy got the cart.  James started to climb in.  I knew I had more things to get than that, so I said no.  He continued to climb.  I'm still saying, "Jamesno" when I realize that not only do I need to grab him so he doesn't fall but that we are blocking the doorway.  So with 7 people waiting to get into the store, I grab him, explain that when I say No, I mean don't keep doing what you're doing.  He politely says, Yes Mommy.  And as I put him on the ground, he tries to climb again as I'm moving the cart, with Joy hanging on my arm like a dead weight.  I'm not quite sure what I said next, but children did obey.  I think I might have heard a laugh or two behind me....

The next hurdle is who is going to steer the cart.  James is too young, I explain, showing him how he can't see over the top of the cart well enough.  He's mad about that, and starts the arm slamming down on something close by with his head following close behind.  Only problem with that was we were at the cheese aisle.  I managed to stop him before he plowed his arm into some expensive semisoft cheese! 

Next is vegetables.  Joy is driving the cart and James is telling her where to go.  It's cute as he is practicing his directions and Joy is practicing obeying - so I don't interfere much with that except to say I want to go Left, etc.  I stop to get green beans and I hear an eruption about 2 feet from me.  Another lady is getting green beans next to me.  (Mind you, this is early afternoon, so all the other kids are in school and these are mostly moms shopping.)  I know from the sound of it that there is pushing and shoving going on and I guess that it is the cart that's getting shoved.  So I look over, assess that no real damage had been done YET, and say, "That's 1 for you both."  Immediate indignant response from them both.  I remind them, pretty calmly, I thought, that in stores they get counted together.  Joy starts in on "I didn't do anything" while I calmly pick out green beans and say again, those are the rules.  She starts to complain that at home it's different, right?  Yes, I say, at home you get counted separately.  The lady next to me starts laughing.  I felt like I was revealing my entire Mom Handbook to a stranger.  I left with not quite enough green beans.

Next to the milk aisle which borders the frozen food aisle.  As I'm looking for their yogurt drink, I hear Joy say, very loudly, "James, don't lick the glass!"  I look over and James is standing with his head against the glass in front of the ice cream.  He says, in this pitiful little voice, "Mommy, ice cream please!"  I say, No, sorry no ice cream.  He gets a little louder, "Mommy, ice cream Pleeeassse!"  No, sorry not today.  "When today?  Tomorrow?"  No, not tomorrow, sweetie.  "Tomorrow tomorrow?"  No  "Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow?"  No.

By this time there are 3 moms and a man unloading product listening to this.

So in desperation, I say to James, "Sweetheart, you can have some ice cream at Christmas."  A little bright smile greets me, but he still has his head resting on the glass.  And says, "Tomorrow Christmas?"  No, honey.  "Tomorrow tomorrow Christmas?"

At this point everyone is laughing out loud.  I just scoop him up and say, You'll know when it's Christmas.

Checkout time - and they were golden!  No reaching hands grabbing things and no whining.  Both helping to unload the cart and smiling and being nice to each other.  They then sat on the stools at the high bar just a few feet away.

And then I had one of those conversations that as an adoptive parent you know are out there, but they don't happen that often to me.  The young woman who was checking me out was pleasant and friendly and said something nice to both of my kids.  She said something that made James laugh and he does have that megawat smile!  After the kids went to play on the stools, she said to me, "So are they adopted?"  I said, yes and because James said something she didn't understand, I added, "We've been home from Taiwan for a month."  "Oh, wow!  That's so amazing!  So you adopted them both? Are they brother and sister?" 

I knew that she meant did I adopt them both at the same time, but I didn't want to go into that, so I just answered yes.  She was probably around 22 or so and seemed to be from Indonesia.  She then said, "How is he doing here?  Is he happy?  So he's better off now?"

I know that she meant, that must be a huge transition and how is he doing and did he come from a horrible situation.  But it felt like she was saying, are you sure he's better off here?  Just the tone of her voice and the way she looked at him made me feel that way.   I was thinking inside, look at him - he's happy and you can see he's doing just fine. I'm remembering how his moods would swing and he seemed to be swimming through life without a life jacket, almost sunk by each new emotion or situation because of his diet and lack of discipline.  I looked at him happily playing with his new sister and climbing back down to the stool when I told him to without a tantrum or a frown.  I KNOW he's better off.  Even if he is now in a multi-cultural family with parents who don't look like him, who didn't grow up speaking the same language.  I know that God's plan is better than anything I can dream up, and while there are hard things about being his parent, it is what is best - for all of us!

So I just answered her by saying, "He's doing a great job!  And yes, both kids are happy."

Then I squeezed them both between me and the cart's handrail and wheeled them out to the car, buckled them in, and thanked God that His plan included these 2 precious children and me.

James No Ziegler

James, no, you can't climb on the ladder.
James, no, you cannot unplug things.
James, no, you cannot unscrew the light bulbs because you think it is too bright in here.
James, no, you cannot help me by opening the oven door when I'm cooking.
James, no, you can't shove your sister into the refrigerator because she said you had to eat an apple.
James, no, you cannot spit all over the mirror when brushing your teeth because you think it's funny.
James, no, you better not slide down the stairs head-first.
James, no, don't growl in the dog's face, again.
James, no, I am not a trampoline and you cannot jump on me.
 
Tim said yesterday he is sure the boy will think his name is "James No Ziegler".

I have no doubt!

This is just a small sampling of what it is like to have a 6 year old in the house who hasn't been taught about, well, much of anything in the real world.  I take that back - he may have been taught and he is testing to see, or he may be curious and that has overridden the learning.  Or he may think this isn't the real world, lol!

In any case, it is like having a 2 year old who runs to the next interesting thing but James is big enough to do some real damage or get hurt. 

It is exhausting in ways I wouldn't have thought.  The constant instruction - what word is this, what do you want, this is how we act, this is what we do, this is what you meant to say - I know these things are vitally important and I'm more than happy to be teaching him, but a little break would be nice too!  Repeating them 1000s of time a day is literally and emotionally exhausting, no question!

Now that we've been home a month, there are things about him that I'm still figuring out, but there is a lot about his personality that is coming into focus.

He is naturally happy and loves to laugh.  He loves to make other people laugh and has learned that being silly (constantly) is one way to get attention and make people laugh.  He does not really like to share, but he does like having a play-mate.  He gets angry easily and when he does, he lowers his eyelids and looks out the side of his eyes, like in a horror flick.  (It's pretty creepy, except that he's 6 years old.  Wonder where he learned that?)  He has quite the temper and sometimes simple things get him riled up.  There are immediate tears, with eyes shut tightly.  Then slamming his arm on the table/bed/stairs/floor/grass and then slamming his head on his arm, quite dramatically.  It's genuine, but it's also very overblown.  Temper tantrums in time out last about 8-10 minutes, which seems long for a 6 year old, but he's pretty stubborn.  The beautiful thing is that once he's calmed himself (and it is best to leave him alone, I've learned), he will get up and come apologize very sweetly and heart-felt.  I'm grateful for that!

- Here is a short story that illustrates the temper -
While I was at choir rehearsal on Monday, Tim made cookies with the kids.  Joy loves to cook with her dad, and I know it was more work than it seems.  James was particularly excited bc he hasn't been allowed cookies unless they are made with cane sugar, which, face it, are that good!  Tim wouldn't let them eat the cookies until I got home, creating the homecoming every mother dreams of!  :)
The next morning, Joy and I have been up and James comes down the stairs sleepily (he does NOT like to wake up), but he's already dressed and ready to face the day, mostly.  He sees the tupperware of cookies on the counter and makes a beeline for it.  COOKIES, he shouts!  And proceeds to grab the whole tub to take with him somewhere special.  I grab the cookies and say, no cookies for breakfast.  Would you like eggs or cereal or soup?
SCREAMING ensues.  Literally!
I try laughing, saying, no, we don't eat cookies for breakfast.  That only made it louder.
So I put him in time out by himself (while he tries to scratch the daylights out of my arms - - - ) but the only place I have to put him is on the little tramp that sits in the music room at the moment (because of the Christmas tree).  That is because I have a repairman in the house fixing the dryer who is coming up and down the stairs!  
So yes, I have a screaming, crying, irate little boy in one room, 2 barking dogs in the kitchen, and another little one trying to out-do her brother in the other room, all while I have a stranger in the house - for 12 full minutes.  Oh fun! I can't imagine what he thought about all that.
Maybe the funniest part of the story though is what the repairman said to me when he finished: "Don't let the munchkins use the appliances, I mean don't teach them how, because they will only break them.  And never, ever let your husband use any appliance in the house - that's a sure way to break them."  He proceeded to ask me if my microwave had stalactites growing from the ceiling, meaning that my husband had surely caused them.  I ushered him out the door, saying, "My husband is a professional chef.  I'm pretty sure he knows his way around the kitchen just fine, thank you for the advice."  I refrained from saying, "If you want to wash your kids clothes until they are 25, that's fine, but mine will know how to use the appliances.  In fact, my stepson does a pretty mean load of laundry, when he wants to."  Tim told me I should call and report him, but why should I deprive the next little housewife of that sage advice? ;)

Now back to my list -
James came to us with no voice regulation - everything he said, he said loudly.  I've read on other blogs of adoptive children from Taiwan that this seems pretty common.  He wasn't in an orphanage, but somehow he just didn't learn how to speak softly.  He's made tremendous strides, but it can get loud and overwhelming pretty quickly.

His taste in food is, well, a little puzzling, to be honest.  He likes cheese pizza, then has a tummy ache.  Wonder why? ;)  He likes noodle soup, fried eggs (NOT runny yellow part but don't try to turn them over as he won't eat them, screaming "EE-UR", so basted are the answer), apples if the skin is cut off and he still screws up his face when presented with it, even while saying yum, soda (although I told him that we drink Zevia soda here in America - made with Stevia rather than HFCS and so far that's working), fried rice if it doesn't have meat in it and no carrots, steamed pork dumplings, and anything sweet.

He just won't eat any protein other than eggs!  Oh and Green Things?  Broccoli flowerets (no stems please and each one is presented to me with "I no like dis") and green peas or snow peas are okay.  But it seems that most of his diet consisted of starch.  I think a great deal of his initial behavior issues have to do with that.  I'm working on it, but it is hard.  Rice and noodles - a staple.  So slow progress on that.

Oh, one other aspect of my daily life that you might not guess - I cook for 2 kids from the time they get up to the time they go to bed.  Or at least it seems that way.  Eggs and yogurt for breakfast, then 20 minutes later I hear the call, "I'm HUNGRY" like he will never get food again if he doesn't scream it at me.  Okay, noodle soup?  Good, now go outside and play.  30 minutes later, "I'm HUNGRY" having forgotten that he just ate.  Soda and crackers with apples.  40 minutes later, yup, you guessed it.  How about some left over rice?  No?  Noodles with the egg on it?  Okay. 

You get the picture - it is a constant game to see what he will eat and then getting enough in him to last more than an hour at a time.  He gets up and walks around while chewing enough in his mouth for 4 kids.  We're working on both of those things, complete with the "if you leave this table again, the food goes away" which usually brings tears, so we keep that for last.  But after spending 45 minutes eating soup, I'm pretty much willing to threaten starvation to leave the table, lol!  (Yes, I know that with adopted children you have to be careful of using food as a punishment as they need that comfort and control - but we also have to learn how to eat food in a way that will function in society!  I'm pretty careful to use that only when the other tactics have been ignored and only with James.  I cannot use food that way with Joy as her reaction is feel insecure.)

I am not complaining.  I'm trying to explain what life is like so that those who know us will understand why we are loopy!  And also so those who are in process will be a little better prepared for anything.  And for those who are living it like we are - you're not alone!  :)

Here's to another 30 minutes without being in the kitchen!
Blessings,
Margaret

"In a Minute"

There are SO many little stories that I want to share - and SO little time when I can actually contemplate finishing a sentence!  I know that some of you understand the difficulty - 2 kids, 2 dogs, 1 husband.  It can be overwhelming at times just to complete a thought in my head, much less put it down on paper.  But such is life!

I have to say that the two English phrases our son learned first were "In a minute" and "Oh my goodness".  I guess I say that a lot!  lol

One night, as I'm trying to get James dressed and ready for bed after a full day of learning and playing and being silly, I am met with resistance.  He's tired and cranky, I understand that.  He also does not like to be told to brush his teeth. He does a good job, but getting him to start is hard work.  So, I'm explaining how if he wants to play on the ipad in bed before sleeping time comes, he has to brush his teeth, go potty and get his pj's on NOW.  Not "in a minute" which he was saying to me.  I know he understood, but just didn't want to.  You know what he says to me?  "Mama, no English!!!!!"  Okay-dokey!  No more English.

But brush your teeth!

Our friends have been asking how is he communicating, and I have to say, we really don't have many problems being understood.  He might say we don't understand him, as he will launch into stories that are half in English, half sign language and a few Chinese words thrown in.  It is a bit like charades - except I'm not sure what subject we're trying to talk about sometimes.  But he's pretty clear about what he can't do and what he is supposed to do.  When he deliberately messes around, he has that look that most kids do that says - I got away with it.  Well, almost!

I admit that it is frustrating at times to be telling him something - like put on your coat - and have him walk away while you're talking to him.  But then, Joy still claims she doesn't understand what I meant sometimes, so I guess it just goes with the territory. 

In watching how Joy learned English, I think James is at least a year ahead of where Joy was after being home for less than a month.  He has a couple of full complete sentences he can use.  He knows tons of nouns and is starting to hear the pronouns that go with them (THE bowl, YOUR coat).  I'm really pleased bc I know that Joy turned off her brain at times, when she heard a string of words in English that she didn't understand, she just stopped listening. We are now dealing with the consequences of that in school work and just basic listening skills at home.  So I'm happy that James was well prepared and eager to learn English. 

Since I'm writing this on Sunday, I have to mention church.  I know it's hard for kids to sit during church.  I know that our Sunday routine needs to start earlier (meaning, I need to get up earlier).  I know that kids will tell you they need to go to the bathroom, or are hungry, or are sleepy, just to get your focus away from the service.  Sometimes it is easy to smile and lovingly deal with the interruptions and wiggles.  Sometimes - well, it just isn't easy at all. 

This morning was one of those mornings.  Joy wanted to sit next to James.  James wanted to sleep in my lap (which meant laying across Joy).  Joy wanted me to compliment her every move even when it didn't warrant a compliment.  James threw Tim's glasses across 2 pews.  Joy finally settled down to color in her book, but got mad when I put my arm around James (to keep him from climbing over the pew to sit with the older lady in front of us), so in the middle of the prayer we all got to hear, very loudly, "MEE-MAW!", her nickname for me, "What about ME?!".  We finally had a few moments of peace, then Communion started.  James has not wanted to be part of the filing down the aisle and kneeling at the altar rail.  We started down the aisle okay, with the kids fighting over which of my hands they got to hold. But finally, Tim had to carry him.  And then hold his hands, as he wanted to reach for everything he saw.  Then had to carry him back up the aisle as then James thought it would be fun to sit down in the middle of things.

At least most people (the ones who know us, I guess) smiled at us on the way back to our pew.  They were probably thinking, boy, I'm glad that's not me! 

So even with the chaotic Sunday morning, I wouldn't have it any other way now!  James is such a good fit with our family!  He's funny, sweet, precocious, curious, and will learn the boundaries that he needs are to help him grow.  He's learning to be a little tougher and got up pretty well this morning (after the 45 minutes of screaming yesterday morning).  And all around him, we are learning to be a better family for each other and for him too!

They are back from the store - more stories next time!
Thanks for reading -
Margaret

Here are some pictures, finally!

 After what seemed like a long flight from Seattle, dirty, tired and hungry!

Playing at the playground in Colorado

At the Taipei Zoo - what could be better than ice cream?

Let's get messy!

Saying Goodbye at Chung Yi

 All the women to our right work at Chung Yi, with the 2 closest to Joy being caregivers for her when she was there.  They made a special point of coming to say hi to her.  She does look a bit terrified! The woman to Tim's left was one of our translators, Bella, who was also James' caseworker.

High above the mountains around Taipei

Taipei from the gondola

Learning and listening

Happy Siblings

That's it for tonight!  I can't find the other camera, so....this will have to do for now!
We are settling in, but the business of life doesn't hit until tomorrow.  Hope I get some sleep tonight....

Margaret

The First Temper Tantrum

Well, I have now seen the first tantrum.  I had heard about and read about them, so I was prepared!

What I wasn't prepared for was the ending.

It was over - wait for it - Legos!  That's a huge surprise.  Joy has a police car.  James does not.  He is nuts for cars of all kinds, but police cars, well, that's something special.  So when Joy said no, he could not play with her car, he just lost it.  We went to sit on the step together when he tried to grab her Legos box and get the car out anyway.  He cried on my knee, saying "I want to play with the police car" over and over again (I assume, since it was partly in Chinese and partly in English).  I tried to calmly just say no, that's Joy's.  At some point, when I thought he was a little more rational, I pointed to his box of Legos and said, for James.  He pointed to it and basically said, throw it away, I don't want it.  It was so funny!

So, I put it in the closet and said, bye bye.  He seemed fine with that.  Asked for Joy's car again, raged again, this time trying to hit the couch.  I tried to get him to jump on the mini tramp we have in the room, but that seemed to make him madder.

At any rate, after about 20 minutes of this, he asked for his box of Legos out of the closet.  I got it down and set it down on the carpet.  He told me to shoo, so I left him alone, being busy in the room.  He cried a little more, then got out the book that came with the Legos.  In a few minutes, he called me to come over (Lai) and told me he wanted to make the fire engine in the book.

So we sat down on the carpet and made the fire engine, with proper modifications, of course.  And he was a happy boy again.

Joy was doing a great job of being concerned but not in the middle of it either.  When we started making the fire engine, I asked her to get her police car out so that they could play together.  That made him just as happy as could be!  She didn't let him touch it, but they played together, chasing phantom bad guys through the hallway!

So after being prepared for a "bad temper" and not much "regulation of emotions", I found a little boy who was genuinely mad, expressed it, found a solution, and got over it.  Amazing!

Later - Jet Lag and "Mommy, 2 cereal, 2 egg, 2 soup please!"

Home Sweet Home - Sleep, Sweet Sleep

We are home! We got home late on Sunday night. (Thank you Sharon and Michael for welcoming us and bringing our tired crew home!) Yesterday is mostly a blur - sleeping much later than I had hoped, then a rush to get groceries, shoes for James, and a visit to our fabulous chiropractor. Then choir rehearsal with my choir, The WestSide Chorale. I almost fell asleep driving to rehearsal, but had so much fun and was so energized by the wonderful music and friends there, I was charged up and ready for the Night Time Routine (which lasted until 2:30am!). Thanks, choir! I needed that, lol!

I do apologize for the lack of photos! I'm not sure why the tablet wouldn't let me download photos to blogspot - or may it was the internet service in Taiwan? - but in either case, my goal today is to get some photos up.

And a few musings along the way.....

Yesterday, as I stood in my very own shower, with the smell of my favorite shower gel filling the air, my good shampoo (not the little one I travel with) and a warm, clean towel from the heated towel rack, I realized how comforting all these sensations were to me. My bed. My pillow. My closet with clothes I know.

And I thought of James. He came with a small bag of clothes which looked mostly new, except for the underwear and pj's which looked about ready to fall apart. He has left every smell and sensation that brought him comfort in his short life. I felt for him.

On our trip, I watched him as he pulled closer and closer to us. While we were in Taipei, he was quick to slip from our hands and run towards things he wanted - the vending machines in particular to get a coke. Most everyone looked like him. The language in the air was his. But as he became aware of his surroundings in Seattle, he started to stay a little closer. By the time we were in the Denver airport, he had one eye on us at all times. At the grocery store yesterday, while still wanting to touch everything and run around the store, he did not want to get too far from us either. I'm thankful he's finding comfort in being with us. But I feel for his loss too.

No, this is not our new method of transportation! It is Courtney and Chris' and James was just about as excited as he could be to sit on it and touch it! Joy wasn't too upset about being invited to sit either! She loves fast things too - we are going to have so much fun come 8 years or so!

Thank you to Courtney and Chris! They were such amazing hosts! And they set the bar pretty high too! An indoor trampoline place one day and bowling the other day. Both kids loved it, with each taking their own time to try new things, but both conquering their fear and jumping in, no pun intended. I guess I'll need my jogging shoes on to keep up with these two!

Sleep deprivation is going to be an issue this month, so all who have to deal with me, please be patient, lol! James is sleeping through the night, although he does wake up crying occasionally. Joy is adjusting to a new bedroom and bed (well, not totally new - she did sleep successfully in her own room the first year until Halloween, then she was terrified and came down to our room and had been there ever since). All of her fears of being left, bad people taking her, and something happening to me have resurfaced, so sleep is a scary thing, not a rejuvenating thing. At least last night, I had a rocking chair in her room and my nook to read. She did finally crash around 2:30am.

I feel for her as well. She loves James. She loves having someone to play with. She loves having someone in the family to take our focus off of her a little bit. And she hates it all too! She is jealous, wants to be 6 again with us, and has a hard time sharing her things. She is mortally wounded at every push or shove that James gives. She is sure he hates her when he says, "UHHHHH!" (which usually means, Give That To Me Now!), even knowing that he doesn't have words in English to say that right now. And is convinced that when I look at him and smile it means I don't love her anymore either.

And then there are moments when she brightens and relaxes. She is a good big sister, teaching James how to conquer a level in Sleepy Jack, or keeping him from hurting the dog. She'll say to me something like, I see how you're taking care of James. Is that what you did for me when I first came here too? Everything is an affirmation, if she will see it that way. I pray she does.

This is James on Chris' shoulders at the bowling alley.

James is a sweetheart! He is genuinely loving and sweet, and all boy too! He's wild and out of control physically sometimes, and other times, he's very precise and accurate with his hands. I bought the app Mosiac for the ipad yesterday (it's cool - go look at it!) and he spent 20 minutes putting the marbles on the pegboard with his finger to make pictures. (So much for a delayed hand-eye coordination in the report.)

It seems pretty apparent that he's on a sugar rollercoaster. He doesn't eat protein (I don't call Chicken McNuggets protein.) He doesn't like veggies (a snow pea here and there), and fruit makes his face scrunch up like he's eaten a lemon wedge. On our How to Take Care of him sheet(s), the foster mother had written that she bribed him with cookies to eat 2 slices of fruit a day. That's a strange ratio, don't you think? Oh, and she's fed him soda the last 6 months to ease his "anxiety".  Um, thanks.

Once we get his diet under control, I'll work on seeing just where his physical abilities are. The testing we received made it sound like he couldn't hold a pencil (which isn't true), so I'm guessing he didn't want to be at the testing center and was deliberately being difficult. I will remember that, lol!

I should go take a shower while they are still asleep! I'm not ready to leave him alone in the house and not ready to put Joy in charge of him either.

More later when I get pictures out of the cameras!

Thank you all for your prayers - they have been a blessing to us and we are grateful for safe travels and a smooth transition home. bye for now!
Margaret

a few pictures

I don't know if any of these will load. Tim's pics on fb haven't, so maybe this will. Our Visa day was successful. Then the park (Da'an) was fun. Starbucks for lunch (no noodle shops open - very expensive!). Now resting in the hotel before we head out to explore for dinner. we're doing well! James is addicted to sugar (tried to take a packet of sweets from starbucks as we left the store) even running from us to get to vending machines screaming COKE COKE COKE! Gonna be a long flight.... Joy is doing well! Really learning how to be a big sister, and then whining about how he's rough with her. Ha! She's gonna be so much stronger for this! They are playing together very well, despite the arguments over the ipad. well, the pics won't load from my tablet. I'll try the ipad later. Sorry! I'll post this anyway. - - - if you're reading this and you are in process in Taiwan, we found the AIT experience was different from the first time we were here. Now all on the 2nd floor. Much less formal and they take credit cards - prefer really. So things change! lol more later, I hope! Margaret

The Big Day

It's hard to describe (at 4:30am) how much life has changed in 24 hours!  (the sketchy internet connection doesn't help either)  But I want to try to write a few things down while I can.

The handing over documents was so different this time!  Chung yi had sent over to AIT most of the things we needed to carry with us last time.  So I only have 2 pieces of paper to keep track of from them tomorrow.  They do have this down, so while it feels a bit like a whirlwind, it is pretty controlled.  Oh, and when they ask you to check the document, they don't meant that they way we think they do!  Don't actually read it. lol

James' birthmother was there, which was different from the schedule they gave us.  She had with her a social worker who "represented" her.  There was  the translator from yesterday who has been his social case worker for 3 months.  The Vice-chairman of CY was there.  And our translator, person in charge - Sharon.   There was one more social worker, from the state.  After all our interchange had happened, she made a request.  It caused quite a stir!  She Vice Chairman interrupted and was quite stern.  The other women all looked surprised.  The discussion between them went on for a while before they spoke to us.  Sharon spoke to  the Vice Chairman a good bit, clarifying, before she spoke to us.

Guess what the request was?  Because it is a state requirement that children be enrolled in a school, they wanted proof that James would be going to  school.  Don't you think that's odd?  He will not be a ward of the state, actually shouldn't have been once the final ruling came in.  I quickly assessed that this fight was between the government and CY.  I wonder if the interpretation of the new adoption law is changing here, or at least what is required of the orphanages is.  This was unexpected, clearly, and I feel sure if we had balked and said it wasn't any of their business, CY would have backed us.  But no need for that.  I explained that of course we could provide proof he is attending school (thanks CHEC) but that it wouldn't be until January, when school started again.  That s to please everyone.

Our exchanges with JR's foster mother were very special.  She obviously loves this little boy, as does her family. She told us that he had chosen,"spontaneously" to come to us.  I'mnot sure how  that works, since I didn't think the children had that choice.  But maybe he did.  In any case, it meant for her that she could let him go to us.

We started the session with giving her a git, which was the right time to do that.  It was a silver heart necklace of 2 hearts intertwined.  We explained that her heartwould always be part of JR's heart and our hearts.  She cried, apologized for her display of emotion, and then put it on.  She touched it several times during our conversations.

There is so much to say about that part of the process, but I can't here.  I just know that it must have broken her heart and I can only guess how JR feels.  But he came willingly.  A littlescared, but not timidly.  He was clearly aware of this goodbye being for a long time.  But he let us hold him, smile at him, responded with I love you too, and held on tight for thisnew ride!

Tim said and I agree that JR will be the glue in the family.  He is impulsive physically, but it's not without thought.  He is watchful and sees immediately when someone is displeased or upset.  He wants to comfort Joy, but doesn't understand her reactions yet. (more on that later).  He wants to make us laugh or smile at his accomplishment and isn't afraid to come and get it if we aren't paying enough attention. (the ipad is an amazing thing! Angry Birds transcends all language barriers and Fruit Ninja provides laughter no matter your age!)

There is more to say but it is time to wake up JR who doesn't want to get up and go to breakfast. 9am AIT appt. more later blessings Margaret

An Amazing Day at the Zoo!

The day at the Zoo was so much fun!  Joy and JR holding hands, racing each other, climbing on every available surface, smashing chocolate ice cream all over their mouths!  What could be more fun than having a little brother to share it all with!?

JR is a sweet little boy, who is bigger than we thought, and he's well-behaved with us.  But he also likes to run towards anything and everything that interests him.  Even with the translator/social working pretty much let him run around.  It was interesting.

Joy was great!  Really stepped up and did a great job of being a big sister. She watched him, ran after him when asked to, stopped him when he got too far, and held his hand whenever he would let her.  He wanted to play Rock Paper Sissors for a long time, hopping back and forth depending on who won.  It was fun and wonderful to watch.

We have some cute pictures that Tim has posted to facebook, but they don't seem to be posting.  So, we will wait to post pictures here for a few days.  Sorry about that!

Today is papersigning day.  Since we've already spent so much time with him, we have only an hour and 20 minutes planned for that.  I'm anxious about the goodbyes - his foster mother has been his only mother for 6 years.  He is her only foster child. She already cried yesterday, but it is going to be hard for them both to say goodbye.

Pray for a smooth transition day!  He's been pretty catered  to and allowed a lot of freedom with few boundaries.  It is going to be survival for this week, for sure!

Love to you all
Margaret

In Taipei, again!

We are in Taipei!   As of this morning, we have been here for a whole day!  This morning begins much more relaxed than yesterday - at this time yesterday, we were standing in line to go through immigration.  Right now we are in a huge bed, snuggled up and watching Philadelphia Story on the dvd player!

Today is the day!!

We meet James and his foster mother at Chung Yi, the orphanage at 10:30am.  Then spend  the day at the zoo together.  We are nervous, but ready to get started on the journey!  Joy is beside herself!  Bouncing between being super sweet and loving and lashing out and being crazy.  When she's calmer, she can say how scared she is about this change.  And excited too!  That's a good thing.

There's lots more to tell, but right now I just wanted to let people know we are here, safe and sound.  We are so thankful for your prayers!  They are helping us all!

Margaret

And we are (almost) off again!

We leave tomorrow on another journey!  A journey of love, hope and excitement.  We leave to get our little boy, James Robert, from Taipei!

For those of you who had followed my postings about getting Joy, I apologize for not writing anything for a long time.  I had to decide what I wanted the blog to be.  There were personal things that I did not want to share, as many of you now know Joy (or Alex, more on that later) and I didn't want to color what you might see in her.  I also wasn't sure anyone really needed to know about my insights into adoptive parenting - there is a lot of info out there already! And my insights aren't too terribly original, lol.  While I haven't written anything down, I have stayed up at night composing posts, so at some point I will write them down.

But for now, this blog is officially up and running!  Just as we are running to Gotcha Day #2!  :)

We are off tomorrow to get James, or JR, as Zach dubbed him.  He is 6 years old and has lived with his foster family since birth.  We will meet him and his foster mother on Monday morning at Chung Yi, the same orphanage Joy lived in for 2 years.  Joy will be with us, (of course - do you think she'd let us leave her anywhere!?) and we will all go to the zoo and spend the day.  We took Joy there on our first day as a family, so this will be fun.  

The second day, we do paperwork and all the official things. Then, just like with Joy, they will have us stand for pictures in the front hall against the wall with pictures of other adoptive families, then we get in a taxi and wave goodbye.  You are a new family and now, on your own.  It's a wonderful and strange feeling.  I'm grateful we've done it before.  I think James will need us to have btdt (been there done that).

Here are a few pictures:

 As you can see, he's all boy!  Gonna be a pistol, I'm sure!

We are very excited!  Joy is beside herself sometimes - so excited, nervous (will he like me?) and worried (will we love her too?).  There is still a little fear that says we might leave her there, but we're doing our best to cope with that before it gets to be a big fear.  I have a charm heart that says "I'm always in your heart, Love Joy" and she has one that says, "I'm always in your heart, love Mama".  We'll wear those and maybe even switch if she's anxious the day we go to Chung Yi.  She doesn't have good memories of living there and is worried about seeing it again.  My hope is that it turns out to be a nicer place than she remembered.  

That's all for now - except I should change the color of the blog, don't you think?

I'll try to post after we get there.
Love to all
Margaret
 

A Belated Wonderful Happy Merry Christmas!

It has been a busy, wonderful few months!  I knew I wouldn't write during Christmas, but I did want to share some photos and a few stories.  Since it's now April - who would believe?! - it's high time I do it!

This was Joy's first full Christmas season with us.  We did celebrate Christmas and Santa Claus and stockings and such last year, but she really doesn't remember much.  What we found out this Christmas was that while she had seen Santa Claus in Taiwan, there wasn't the tradition of him leaving presents at Christmas.  "He" would come to the orphanage and bring them all donuts or cupcakes and sing "happy songs" and that was it.  So the idea of having this strange man come into the house was pretty scary!

We assured her it was okay.  Joy INSISTED that we tell Scarpia and Katrina because otherwise he wouldn't be able to get in.  Like all children, she wanted the surprise of the presents enough to be a little scared!  We dutifully sat down with Scarpia and Katrina and explained that the back door to the kitchen would be left unlocked and that Santa would be coming in that way.  They were not to bark or growl.  We left dog treats out for Santa to give them, just in case.  They were left with the thin mint Girl Scout Cookies (Santa's favorite, you know).  She also wrote a note to Santa, which he, of course, answered!  :)

(This is from the Kindergarteners singing at church.)

We tried to keep Christmas low-key - not many presents and nothing too amazingly exciting.  Her big present was snow shoes, which she hasn't had a chance to use yet!  (oh well....)  But even so, the whole month between Halloween and Christmas as really a lot for her. Halloween was unknown, scary and strange.  Then everyone else in her class knew what to expect next.  Thanksgiving: food, relatives, a few days off.  Then Christmas.  My many many thanks to her teacher who dealt with her that month!  She was out of control a lot, and mostly because she was scared and didn't know what was going on.  She obviously understood what we said, but really, until you've lived through the Christmas season as a child, you don't really know what's coming!  I expect next Christmas to have a fully Americanized child who doesn't say, "Mama, I don't need all these presents.  I just want to be with you and Daddy."  I'll miss it, for sure!

Our year ended with our anniversary - both Tim and my wedding anniversary, but also with our anniversary of bringing Joy home.

(Here she is with her cousins and aunt and uncle on New Year's Day.)

Perhaps the best thing we have done with Joy has been to tell her that she isn't in charge.  I think that perhaps parents with biological children, or children adopted at birth, wouldn't see the need for that, but we clearly did.  Joy was so used to taking care of herself, in so many different situations that she was like a little adult.  On the surface, that seems fine.  But it isn't.  She needed us to be PARENTS and Be In Charge.  It was just about January that she started to really relax, stop testing us at every corner, and let us be in charge.

I can't tell you the leaps and bounds we made that month!  Her learning excelled.  Her ability to communicate just blossomed.  Her willingness to listen and really incorporate what was being said multiplied.  It was wonderful!  And so nice after the upsetting few months before.

One thing we noticed was that Joy really wanted us to be firm.  She would push until she found the wall.  Tim and I both moved the wall up closer, if you know what I mean.  I think we started using counting about then too.  "That's 1" for whatever behavior wasn't acceptable (after making sure she knew that wasn't okay to do or say - you have to give some leeway because of the language).  "When I get to 3, you'll loose X."  Loosing things (like tv, a toy, or time with a friend) was much more effective than time outs.  We did (and still do) time outs on the stairs, where she can see me.  I tried a few times sending her to her room, mostly when I needed time to cool off, and that ALWAYS led to a complete meltdown.  So I learned (amazing!), and we don't do that anymore.  (Although, the threat of it will usually accomplish a contrite apology!)

In January, we also went to San Diego to see Zach graduate from boot camp and become a US Marine!  So very cool and we're so proud!  You can follow that journey on our other blog, http://www.zachs84.blogspot.com/.

We also stayed with some dear friends and played on the beach and just plain relaxed!

Our water sprite!  "The Best Day Ever!"

Thanks all!

February and March coming next......

Margaret

A Major Milestone, Again

It is with great glee that I report that Joy has slept TWO entire nights in her own bed in her own bedroom!! 

WHOOHOO!!

Didn't happen with a lot of fanfare.  Didn't make a big deal out of it.  One morning when she was fighting me particularly hard about getting dressed and ready for school, I said, that's the last night you get to spend in my bedroom.  If you're going to have a fit about something we do everyday, I'm not going to give you the privilege of sleeping in my room.  Tomorrow night we start back in your room.  I'll start in your room with you, then move to the playroom.  I'll sleep in the playroom for a week.  Then I'll move downstairs.

Tears.  Apologies.  Drama.

Then a very quiet, okay Mama.

And no tears come bedtime.  It helped that she was really really tired!!  :)

What was also funny was that the first night, she turns over to look at me (I'm on the floor) and says, "Mama, I'm scared."  Of what sweetie?  "Of the bad people Zach watches."  Of what?  "Zach's tv!  He MADE me watch it!  And now I'm scared!"  Oh, well, that's just pretend.  Boys sometimes like to watch things that scare them.  You don't need to worry about that.  It's not for real.

I had to not laugh out loud!  I mean, she's only been his little sister for 10 months and she was ENJOYING trying to get him in trouble!  She really wanted me to be mad at him for "making" her watch.  It was so funny!

So tonight will be night 3.  She is going to bed early tonight, as she's been fussy all day.  So wish us luck!

And my apologies to her Kindergarten teacher!!  I think I've sent her a tired, cranky girl for the last 3 days! We even got our card turned today!  Ooops!  But it's good that I'm not the only bad cop in the room!  :)

I promise that I will get some pictures and a video up of Halloween on tonight!  I also have to catch up from the last 2 months!  It just flies by!

Here's to sweet dreams that last all night long!

It's the littlest things sometimes!

Standing the kitchen, after coming home late from Choir rehearsal, Joy is eating a little cereal and I'm getting the dogs their pills.  She all of a sudden has a serious face and says, "I'm really sorry mama."  I say, about what?  "No, Mama," very emphatically, "I'm REALLY sorry and I won't do it again!!"

I can't imagine what's she's done since getting out of the car to warrant such a serious, heartfelt apology, so I ask again, what are you sorry about?

"I gave Katrina a popsicle."  You did?  When was that?

"I'm really sorry!  I was only 5 then, and I was outside sneaking away from you"  (I think she means, hiding) "and I was playing with Katrina, and and and.....I was afraid of timeout.....and and and....I'm really sorry!" 

The words are just pouring out of her, faster than she can really control, so some of this story is a mystery, but the gist was that she was outside with Katrina and either she gave it to the dog or Katrina took it, but the popsicle ended up in Katrina's stomach, not Joy's.  And because she didn't want to get in trouble, she didn't tell me.

So, after stifling a laugh, I told her how proud I was of her for telling me and she wouldn't get in trouble for that.  She didn't believe me at first and told me again it was when she was "really little, you know, 5 years old".  Uh-huh.  It's because you told me that you won't get in trouble.  It's okay.  Katrina is okay too. 

We talked about feeding Katrina people food, with a reminder about grapes (which are very poisonous to dogs), and everything was fine.

In fact, things were so fine that she told me how much she loved me, over and over again!  "100 times I love you, Mama!  Do you love me that much?"  Yes, sweetheart, a hundred, a million, a billion, a trillion times.  I hundred billion trillion times!  More than you can count!  "Why, Mama?  Why do you love me so much!?" 

Because you're you, my sweetheart!

Makes it all worthwhile, doesn't it?

A Totally Different Child

I just wanted to post that after our trauma with brushing teeth, we had a nearly perfect child for several days!  Joy was so funny - the first thing out of her mouth the next morning was, "I'm sorry, Mama!"  And then it was, "no tv????"  lol!!

Even after a day at school, she said, out of the blue, "I'm really sorry.  I was a bad girl, wasn't I?"  I guess it's beginning to sink in that she doesn't get her way when she throws a tantrum, it only makes things worse.

And I wanted to let you know that we survived without tv for 3 days too!  Just in case you were worried!

Funny Phrases

I wanted to share a few funnies that Joy has said recently.  Her understanding of English and the subtleties of words strung together has grown so much recently!  I know school has a lot to do with this, but her natural curiosity is at play here too.

She's in the living room, pretending to fight an imaginary enemy with her "stick" and tells me that she's doing "Kung Food"!!

She still says, "hold stiff" for hold still.

She's been worried about Tim and me dying and going to heaven before her, so last night, after telling her we'd watch over her from heaven someday, she says, "Mama, when you go to heaven, can I have a boyfriend?"  Oh, it was hard not laugh at that one!

"Why did you lie to me?"  (Her favorite phrase right now....)  What do you mean, sweetie? "You said I could have 2 candies!"  Oh, I said you could have one, TOO.  "Why do you make up words?"  My explanation of the three to/too/two's didn't hold her attention, but I was proud of her noticing there was a difference.

And one last one for now - Nasty!  I wish I hadn't said that, ever!  It is now used for ANY response, appropriate or not, complete with various inflections ranging from horror to delight.  I know it's a phase, but I'm ready for this one to be over with!  ;)

Pictures in the next post!
Margaret

Brush Your Teeth, Please!

Who knew that brushing teeth could cause so much angst!? Seriously, we do it every morning and every evening - - - and EVERY morning and EVERY evening, it gets the same response: tears and tantrums.

Why? 

She doesn't have any teeth issues and knows how to brush her teeth very well.  When I do go upstairs with her, I just stand there and watch.  But I'm trying to get her to do it by herself so that the morning and evening runs more smoothly.  In the mornings, I carry her up the stairs (from our bedroom where she's still sleeping on the futon), but deposit her in front of the bathroom with instructions to brush her teeth.  I have to let the dogs out and will be back to help her dress after that.  Tears ensue.

I'm still trying to figure it out, but my guess is that Joy wants to tell me what to do, and this is the last ditch effort each day to accomplish that. She certainly wakes up with that in mind as well!

At least tonight, it felt like a control issue. I guess I need to find new ways of dealing with it. As she is stomping her feet on the stairs, screaming at the top of her lungs and crying "mama" like she's being poked with needles, I'm standing at the bottom of the stairs, about 4 feet away from her going, "what are you doing?". I act like I can't believe she's going to be such a little girl. That doesn't work.

I tell her I'm going to ignore her until she stops. That only makes it worse. So, reluctantly, I start counting and taking away things she likes to do. That makes her explode into fits of hitting herself, hitting the wall and trying to hit me. That's enough, I decide, so I scoop her up and hold her, telling her I'll let her go when she stops screaming.

Thirty minutes later, she's still fighting me but calmer. After a bath, some soothing lotion, and a little bit of talking, I think we're fine. Then it starts up again over something silly. I told her new rules - when she is sassy and talks back, she'll have to do jumping jacks. She immediately tries that out and sure enough, she's doing jumping jacks in the bedroom.

It's really funny, in a way because she's screaming and tears are running down her face, and she's trying to do jumping jacks while I count them. If her arms don't go up, I don't count it and she screams louder but does another one perfectly!

We do that about 5 times, and I know she's dead tired, but she won't stop pushing the limits. Eventually, just about 2 hours from when we started, she's in the futon, almost stopped crying, with Tim trying to sleep in the bed.

One of the new rules is bedtime is going to be an hour earlier from now on. And no tv after dinner. I don't know if she got overstimulated and couldn't calm herself or if she was so tired she couldn't stop herself, but in either case, we've got to try to avoid the things that set us up for this kind of bedtime.

I'm writing this, not to show you how bad Joy can be, but because several people have told me recently how much hearing about the reality of life has helped them. Adoption is not for the weak or faint-hearted - you have to be able to stick it out when your child is out of control. And they will be.  They need you to be strong and BE there, no matter what! 

My thought on what's going on with Joy right now is that she's adjusting really well and very quickly. And every time she gets closer to us, relaxes a little more into our lives together and even realizes that she loves us very much, it terrifies her. It means she can't go back to the life she had before. Ever.

She's old enough to remember both life in her foster family and life at the orphanage. While she almost never talks about life in the orphanage, I know she was aware and watching, and wary, all the time she was there. She got in trouble a lot. She got in trouble for crying, for throwing fits, for doing what she's doing now. They were not always so gentle with her. She keeps expecting us to treat her the way they did. We don't. Part of her is suspicious of us because we don't spank her, I think. She even told me once that her caregiver at the orphanage spanked her ("hard", she said) and "she loved me". Yes, she did, and so do we. And we love you so much, we won't do that.

I'm sure that's confusing to her.

I also think that she was pretty much given her way in her foster family. Joy was so mad the first time she really realized that there were rules here and she had to obey them!! She still is mad, I think, and still testing to see if we mean it.

It is tiring though, to be tested every night!  Especially over something as silly as brushing your teeth ---

There are many more moments though, now, when Joy isn't testing us. She is enjoying life with us! And those are precious moments, when we get to see what a lovely, giving and loving child she is in there.

Now, if we could only find that child at night, when it's time to brush her teeth....

The Honeymoon is Over

I know it happens for every adoptive family - that moment when you realize that your child isn't so sure she wanted you for a parent. You can prepare for it, but until it hits you over the head, there's really no way to steal your heart for those words: "I don't like you! I don't want to be here! I want to go HOME!"

It feels like that Honeymoon period of being excited by all these new things - language, food, people, routines, clothes, weather, dogs, and rules - has worn off. Joy is the most angry when she discovers (as she does daily) there are RULES here as well! I don't know what they told her in the orphanage, but she clearly thought there wouldn't be any strictures on her wants here! lol!

We are blessed that Joy is incredibly verbal. She has learned not just the language, but the nuances and the phrases that English is full of very well. She understands there are words that sound alike but mean different things. She knows there are words that are reserved for adults, words that she shouldn't use, and words that mean different things to different people. I'm constantly amazed at what she's learned!

With that proficiency has come an excellerated rebellion against us, I think.

We are having a push-pull relationship right now. She needs me. She wants me to be close (next her at all times sometimes). But at the same time, she resents that she needs me. And she can say it out loud! I know not to take it personally. And I know to be patient and loving, and I am. But it breaks my heart that she's in this place at all!

She has SO much she's dealing with! Here are just some of the things we've talked about:

- No, you did not hurt your mother when you were born. You may have been "cut" out of her tummy, but it didn't hurt her. They have medicine to take that pain away. And no, that's not why she couldn't take care of you forever.

- Your birth mother is too sick to take care of you and she loved you SO much that she wanted you to have a mother and daddy who could take care of you and love you ALL of the time, forever.

- Nothing you can do will make us stop loving you. Nothing you say or do will stop us loving you. (She says - "but I don't want you to love me!") And we will love you even when you don't love yourself and don't want anyone else to love you!

- She says, "You don't have to love me, you know!" We want to love you! We get to love you! There's nothing in the world we want more than to love you!

- Last night she said, as she's pushing me away for the upteenth time, "But I don't need you!" And then cries if I try to leave...So I said to her - Do you know what you need? You need kisses (many kisses applied)! You need hugs (big tight hug)! You need me to love you (I love you whispered in her ear). And you need to love me (she says I love you back). And I need those things too! (She does the same back to me - while I'm trying not to cry!)

So, this little girl, who didn't ask to be adopted, who didn't get to pick her Forever Family, is dealing with her loss of friends and the familiar at the same time she is embracing this new life, these new people and this new language. No wonder she's acting out! ;)

Catching Up

We've had a busy, fun Summer! Lots of free time to do whatever, whenever! My favorite days were the ones where we had no schedule at all and just created our day, moment by moment!

Joy has grown so much this summer as well! Not just the 2 inches in height, but in her strength and coordination, as well as in her ability to communicate and interact with everything around her. Everyone marvels at her language skills when they meet her for the first time! It's hard to believe she's been here only 8 months!

Along with the increased vocabulary as come the expected frustration at not being able to express EXACTLY what she is feeling. At first, when she had only gestures and a few words, she really didn't get that frustrated. She knew somehow, I guess, that her abilities were limited and so she just went with the flow pretty well. Now, it's a different story!

Partly, it's her increasing need to exert her own will. She gets most upset when she doesn't get what she wants. And add to that her thinking that she's not able to express what she wants well, and we get complete meltdowns!

Starting Kindergarten really brought a lot of this to a head, I believe. As Tim points out, she remembers her friends at the YMCA in Taipei and misses them. She misses knowing the routine and what's expected of her. And while this great adventure as been fun and all, the fear of not measuring up has been pretty present with her.

For example, after the first day at school, she refused to sleep in her bed in her bedroom. She'd been doing that successfully for a couple of months. But worrying about school made her so worked up, she couldn't sleep by herself. She insisted that I sleep with her, which means, go to sleep with her. The first few nights were terribly hard - trying to get her to stop playing, or fighting me, just to lay down and be quiet. She finally said to me that she had "bad dreams" about her teacher being mad at her.

So, we went and talked to her teacher! She handled it beautifully, saying all the things she should have and reassuring Joy that all was fine at school.

Guess what? Joy spent the next 3 days acting out in school! :)

SO, we had another conference with her teacher, explaining that getting in trouble at school is just like getting in trouble with me or Daddy. And we expected her to behave! And just in case that wasn't enough incentive, we reminded her that good things happen for girls who are good. And sure enough, she got to go to the pool with Daddy the first day she had a good day at school!

We are slowly making progress with the sleeping - more on that in the next post though.

For now, here are some pictures from the summer - just random things I like!


Yes, those are Joy's feet in the air above Zach's head! She loves it when he throws her up high! ("Higher" is what she says!)


This is an attempt at a family picture before Zach ships out for the Marines. This is the only one that Joy wasn't MOVING in! She gets so excited when Courtney comes over! She loves having a big sister to play with!


This is Joy on the first day of Kindergarten at her seat. She is definitely claiming it as her own! She has some friends from pre-school and summer care who are in her class, including Sarah and Timmy, who sit at her table. I think they get each other in trouble, mostly! lol


Tim and Joy in front of the "Giant Marine" at the airshow this summer.